Conversations with My Father: Gotcha Siri Edition

ME: Now, unlike your old iPad, this iPad has Siri.
MY FATHER: Re-ally now!
ME: Yes. I know you have longed for Siri.
MY FATHER (grabbing for the iPad): Let me try to stump Siri.
ME (grabbing the iPad back): The goal here is not to stump Siri. It’s that Siri can help you out with a few little tasks that ordinarily you’d have to open up apps to do, thus saving you a few steps and—
MY FATHER (grabbing for the iPad): Oh, I’ve got questions for Siri.
ME: God, you’re like a child. Just wait. Please. Okay?
MY FATHER: Fine.
ME: Okay. Now, to use Siri, you have to hold down the button until it makes this noise. . . .
IPAD: Buh-boop!
ME: Then you ask your question in a loud, clear voice. And that’s it. Got it?
MY FATHER (grabbing for the iPad): Got it. Now—
ME: There are certain things you can ask Siri. You can ask Siri about the weather. You can ask Siri questions about what time movies are playing. You can ask Siri to set an alarm for you. You can ask Siri for directions. All of these things are things you’d ordinarily do. So let’s try—
MY FATHER: I said I’ve already got some questions for Siri.
ME: SO LET’S TRY SOMETHING SIMPLE. Okay? SIMPLE. Let’s do this.
IPAD: Buh-boop!
ME: What’s the temperature outside?
SIRI: The temperature outside is seventy-two degrees.
ME: See? Easy, and I didn’t have to open up an app to—
MY FATHER: Ask her the temperature inside.
ME: What? Why? No, your iPad isn’t actually monitoring the temperature. It’s retrieving information from the National Weather Service. It’s not going to know the temperature inside your house.
MY FATHER: Let me try.
ME: I’m not sure you’ve grasped the—
MY FATHER: It’s my iPad.
ME: Fine. It’s your iPad. Go ahead. You remember what to do?
MY FATHER: How could I not? You go into exhaustive detail about everything.
ME: Fine. All yours. Go for it. Push the button until it beeps, and ask your question.
MY FATHER: Excellent.
IPAD: Buh-boop!
MY FATHER: (stares at the iPad silently)
ME (after a long moment): And ask your question.
SIRI: I’m sorry, I don’t know and ask your question.
MY FATHER: That was it?
ME: After the beep, you need to ask your question.
MY FATHER: Ohhhhh. Okay.
ME: Try it again.
IPAD: Buh-boop!
MY FATHER: (stares at the iPad silently)
ME (after a long moment): Did you hear the beep?
SIRI: I’m sorry, I don’t know about hear the beep.
ME: When you hear the beep, ask your question. You told me you had questions.
MY FATHER: Oh, I’ve got questions!
ME (suspicious): Wait, what question are you going to ask?
MY FATHER: I’m going to ask how many—
ME: No. You are going to ask, What’s the weather forecast for tomorrow.
MY FATHER: That’s boring.
ME: You are going to ask, What’s the weather forecast for tomorrow. What are you going to ask?
MY FATHER (begrudgingly): What’s the weather forecast for tomorrow.
ME: Right.
IPAD: Buh-boop!
MY FATHER (in a mincing voice): What’s the weather forecast for tomorrow?
ME: HEY.
SIRI: Tomorrow looks like a beautiful day—sunny and 76 degrees!
ME: See? Now you’ve got it.
IPAD: Buh-boop!
MY FATHER: Hey Siri, how many goals did the U.S. men’s lacrosse team score during the 2012 season?
SIRI: I’m sorry, Alicia. I don’t know anything about Lacrosse.
MY FATHER: Hah!!
ME: Siri’s not going to know—hey, why is it calling you Alicia instead of Alan?
IPAD: Buh-boop!
MY FATHER: Siri, I bet you can’t tell me how many witnesses were present at the signing of the Treaty of Appomattox.
SIRI: Sorry, Alicia. I don’t know about the Treaty of Appomattox.
MY FATHER: Hah!!
ME: You can’t—why is it calling you by my sister’s—
IPAD: Buh-boop!
MY FATHER: Siri, who took over leadership of Bacon’s Rebellion after Nathaniel Bacon died, and what did Bacon die of?
SIRI: I’m sorry, I can’t answer that question.
MY FATHER: Hah!! Gotcha Siri!
ME: I think you’ve got an overinflated idea of what Siri—
IPAD: Buh-boop!
MY FATHER: Okay, Siri, a brewery was connected with the Baltimore Orioles during the 1964-65 season. What was the name of the brewery and how was it connected?
SIRI: I’m sorry, Alicia. I don’t know about a brewery was connected with the Baltimore.
MY FATHER: HAH!! GOTCHA!!
ME: Why don’t I just go watch some television while you amuse yourself.