Conversations with My Father: Button-Pushing Edition

ME: Okay. We are going to set up your new iPad so that you can keep it secure and unlock it with your thumbprint.
MY FATHER: How long does the thumbprint last?
ME: What?
MY FATHER: If I give it my thumbprint, how long does the thumbprint last?
ME: How long does your thumbprint last? The iPad will store information about your thumbprint in its memory, so that when you place your thumb on the sensor, it will compare what it sees to what’s it has on record. If it recognizes what it senses as your thumbprint, it will unlock. . . .
MY FATHER: What if there’s a thief. . . ?
ME: He won’t be able to unlock your iPad.
MY FATHER: Because my thumbprint will have faded?
ME: No, because the thief’s thumbprint won’t match yours. Your thumbprint won’t fade. It’s stored away. The iPad will ask for his thumbprint, he’ll put his thumb on the sensor, and since it won’t match yours, he won’t be able to get your sensitive information inside.
MY FATHER: Like my clouds?
ME: You mean your information stored in the cloud? Yes, like that.
MY FATHER: Is my thumbprint in the cloud?
ME: No. Your thumbprint is in the processor inside the iPad.
MY FATHER: So how long does my thumbprint last?
ME (sighing): Your thumbprint will last forever. As long as the planets spin eternally around distant suns, so shall last your thumbprints.
MY FATHER: What if the thief has the same fingerprints as I?
ME: How many of those CSI shows have you watched?
MY FATHER: There are only four of them.
ME: And all four are all dreadful.
MY FATHER: I have learned a lot from CSI.
ME: Apparently not about fingerprints.
MY FATHER: Can thieves steal my fingerprints from my iPad on the dark web?
ME: Your iPad is not connected to the dark web. I’m pretty sure that the dark web is something that your CSI: Cyber show made up to scare people.
MY FATHER: That’s what hackers using the dark web would like you to think.
ME: Do you really think it’s likely that a thief would have the same fingerprints as you?
MY FATHER: In one episode, thieves stole the victim’s fingerprints by. . . .
ME: No thief is that desperate to get your iPad. So I want you to put your right thumb over the button. You’re going to lower it down and touch the button and lift it again, but don’t press—
MY FATHER: (presses the button)
IPAD: Beep!
ME: No, don’t press—
MY FATHER: (presses the button)
IPAD: Beep!
ME: No, I said don’t press the—
MY FATHER: (presses the button)
IPAD: Beep!
ME: DON’T PRESS THE BUTTON. God.
MY FATHER: Well you said—
ME: I said Don’t. Press. The. Button. Christ! Don’t press the button! Don’t press the button!
MY FATHER: You don’t have to get so worked up.
ME: Now listen. When I tell you, you are going to lower your finger onto the sensor. Just rest it there. Don’t push it. Then you will lift it up and put it down again. Okay? Do we understand what we’re doing?
MY FATHER (stiffly): I believe you’ve made yourself adequately clear.
ME: Okay then. Now. Lower your finger.
MY FATHER: (presses the button)
IPAD: Beep!
ME: I swear to god. I am going to take this ffffff. . . so-and-so iPad and just give it to the thieves.