The House of Arden
3 of 5 stars
Harding’s Luck
4 of 5 stars
by E. Nesbit
American mid-twentieth-century author Edward Eager was so smitten by Edwardian British fabulist E. Nesbit that, in middle of his classic magical adventures, he would stop the action and encourage his young readers to investigate her books. It was from Nesbit's interlocking tales of time-travel, The House of Arden and Harding's Luck, that he paid homage to Nesbit by playing around with the central premise of the two works, when the adventures of one of his sets of protagonists dovetail with the adventures of children who would become the focus of later, as yet unwritten novels.
It was The House of Arden that had inspired this timey-wimey twist that wouldn't have been inappropriate in a Doctor Who serial. Edred and Elfrida's adventures into their household's past brush up against the adventures of 'Cousin Dick,' another time traveler like themselves, whose tale and whose contrasting perspectives on some of the same events were told in the later-published Harding's Luck.
It's something of a shame that The House of Arden is much the lesser of the novels. It's difficult not to contrast the two. Edred and Elfrida come from decidedly posher circumstances, while Dick is a vagrant. Dick has control of his magic, in his story; Edred and Elfrida are reduced to composing effete stanzas of verse and hoping their magic warden, the Mouldiwarp, is in a good enough mood to transport them into the past or back to the future. Dick's search for a place to call home is touching and noble; it makes Edred and Elfrida's grubbing about the past for a cash gain look self-serving and greedy.
Most annoyingly, while Cousin Dick is adventurous and resourceful, Edred and Elfrida are simps in comparison, and too much of The House of Arden and its magic depends on them minding their manners and resolving not to quarrel—reducing the Mouldiwarp to a tetchy nanny not half as engaging as as any that P. L. Travers penned.
It's still a good romp, though, especially when taken as the lead-in to a much-superior sequel from which it can't fully be separated.
The Twelve (The Passage, #2)
by Justin Cronin
3 of 5 stars
One of the literary techniques that most irritated me about Justin Cronin's tale of bioengineered vampires, The Passage, had to do with his seeming defensiveness of tone; every page reeked with his desperation to let readers know that yes, while he might've sold out for a big horror genre paycheck, he still had an MFA in creative writing and was determined to show it off, dang it. Thus we had endless multi-page scenes of internal narrative about scarlet ribbons undulating across the billows and curves of a carmine ocean speckled with craters of inky night that reflected a galaxy of cold and unfeeling stars. I think they were supposed to represent blood-sucking sequences, but since Cronin often shunned genre norms like using names or pronouns to let you figure out which of his several hundred characters was actually involved in a scene, it was sometimes awfully difficult to tell.
The good news in The Twelve is that the series’ first book was enough of a bestseller that Cronin could apparently pay off his grad school debts and write a fat check to his old program to assuage any guilt he might be feeling for slumming in the mass market paperback section. Those high-falutin' scenes are long-gone from the new installment—and gone too are the pages and pages of internal monologue, replaced by snappy dialogue-driven chapters that were totally absent from the first novel. The pacing in The Twelve is brisk and relentless, which makes it a page-turner.
Mind you, exciting writing isn't necessarily the same thing as great writing. For his sequel to The Passage, Justin Cronin has managed to cut down his literary crib sheet to two primary sources—Stephen King's The Stand being the first and most obvious. I'm not really a King fan, but it's plain that Cronin feels piling narrative upon narrative across dozens of characters is the best way to create a Stand-like blockbuster. Yet I found his characterizations lifeless and paper-thin, and his style a mere aping of King. The protagonists from the first book are ciphers here—the central couple of Peter and Amy especially. New characters get an even shorter shrift. Giving gruff military men a sudden appreciation of poetry before their deaths in the book (not just once, but twice!) isn't a convincing way of showing the humanity behind a martial mind, for example; it's a cheap shortcut that's akin to literary semaphore.
Cronin's approach to foreshadowing disaster is as equally ham-handed as the first installment. When a character smiles winsomely into the sweet summer sun and says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's take all the innocent kiddies of the colony out into the countryside for a picnic! What could possibly go wrong?!", or looks off into the horizon, spits, and sighs, "Driving this tanker truck full of highly flammable fuel sure is boring work. At least nothing bad can possibly happen!” it's painfully obvious that disaster is in the works. The payoffs aren't enough to justify the clumsy foreshadowing, either.
Still, the book gets intriguing when it delves into Margaret Atwood territory, taking a spin on the totalitarian regimes similar to The Handmaid's Tale and its examination of the culture of rebellion. The scenes with Sara and the queen of the virals are both disturbing and ultimately touching; it's a pity they're buried beneath and burdened by a an abundance of opaque dream sequences, repetitious replayings of discoveries that Cronin wants to hammer home, and too many characters it's difficult to care much about.
While Cronin might be hewing more true to his genre's form by ditching the hip-lit pretensions of The Passage, it hasn't really improved the sequel any. On the other hand, it hasn't made it any the less compulsively readable, either.
Nerd Do Well
by Simon Pegg
4 of 5 stars
Simon Pegg's autobiography—of sorts—is a non-linear read written in a digressive and wandering fashion. It's perfectly obvious that there’s no opportunity for self-indulgence to which the entertainer won’t succumb . . . even if it means that entire chapters of this allegedly non-fictional work are patent fabrication. (The robot butler should be the tip-off, for skimmers.)
Yet I mean none of these observations as complaint. I scarcely expect less from the co-author of the quirky and equally surreal classic, Spaced. It's a fun, funny, and amiable take on celebrity biographies that any fan of Pegg and his multiple movie and television projects will easily appreciate. Readers accustomed to a more straightforward and personality-free approach to autobiography might want to skip this fun volume, however.
Redoubt (Valdemar: Collegium Chronicles, #4)
by Mercedes Lackey
1 of 5 stars
I am afraid that in my less-than-enthusiastic review of Changes: Valdemar: Collegium Chronicles #3—the prequel to the volume Redoubt: Valdemar: Collegium Chronicles #4, I was sternly taken to task by a defender of Mercedes Lackey. The reader took umbrage at the fact that I compared Lackey's invented game of Kirball to the invented game of Quidditch in J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter books. Actually, in my painful, childlike ignorance, I called it a 'blatant Quidditch ripoff.'
Did I say taken to task? Nay! I was upbraided, chided, and roundly scolded for daring to compare the two!
It seemed to me that the endless Kirball passages that have been bloating the Valdemar: Collegium Chronicles series more and more had some definite parallels to the sport Rowling invented. A casual reader might understand my error. After all, the Harry Potter books are about an outcast teenaged youth discovering magical powers he never knew he had at a school for wizards, just as the Collegium Chronicles are about an outcast teenaged youth exploring his own newly-discovered magical capabilities at a school for mystics. Both series feature a violent and overcomplicated school sport involving balls and goals, the minutiae of which take up entirely too many chapters across too many books.
I would also posit that in both cases, nobody among the readership really gives a rip which house team wins any of these games, but that might be going a Snitch too far.
You can understand my confusion in assuming that Kirball, the later-on-arrival of the two, might have been inspired by Quidditch. Kind of in the same degree that hundreds of student papers appearing before college honor courts on plagiarism charges across the country have been 'inspired by' uncited Wikipedia articles.
But no. My chastiser laid my doubts to rest by pointing out that Kirball has a single goal and a single ball, while Quidditch has four balls and three goals. Obviously the two are nothing alike whatsoever.
Any gripes I had about the previous book—its sluggish pacing, its horrendous appropriation of bad dialect, and the endless and dull Kirball passages—are thus rendered moot by my ignorance. I stand corrected, and must beg any reader's pardon for putting them off reading Ms. Lackey's godawful prose through my egregious errors in comparative imaginary recreational exercises at training facilities for the fictionally occult-inclined. Mea culpa.
(P.S. As for this book, there are fifty pages of actual action at the end that in no way justify the two hundred pages of pure crap and Kirball I had to slog through to get there.)
Convergence (The Blending, #1)
by Sharon Green
4 of 5 stars
Let's first talk about the elephant in the room. Sharon Green's Blendings books, of which Convergence is the first, are about as eptly written as the average internet slash fan fiction.
She has five main characters—one representing each of the four elements of the natural world, and a 'spirit' element thrown in as a wild card—all of whom are hot and beautiful and in their mid-twenties and yet about as emotionally mature as a slow twelve year old. Green's Blending books follow the same pattern throughout, so that each character encounters from his or her perspective exactly the same obstacles as his comrades. The fire protagonist will have an argument with her parents, for example. Then the water protagonist will do the same in the next chapter, followed in the following three installments by spirit, air, and earth.
Then the earth protagonist will face a trial. So will the fire protagonist. Next, the spirit protagonist will have her trial. So will water and earth.
The fire lady will take a bath. Then in the next chapter, the earth fellow will take a bath. Then the spirit lady will take a bath. Then the air and water dudes take a bath. Next up—five chapters in which they all have a cup of tea and ruminate about the trials, the arguments, and the baths.
Green uses this unremitting template for five books. FIVE BOOKS, PEOPLE. Plus three sequels after that! That's a lot of repeated conversations and situations.
Her characters have absolutely no subtleties whatsoever. Her protagonists are either extremely noble and good and perfect, save for one fatal flaw at which she'll hammer again and again. Her villains are ridiculously, sublimely, mustache-twiddlingly evil that her protagonists have no qualms whatsoever about assaulting these lowlifes with insults and attacks upon the slightest acquaintance (and then wondering later on why they're so friendless).
The sex scenes are so awkward and unerotic that one has to wonder if the author has ever indeed had sex, read about sex elsewhere, or perhaps actually been acquainted with anyone who's engaged in it.
Finally—and perhaps most damningly—the author has a tendency, when inspiration flags, to have her protagonists drink tea. There's a lot of tea flowing in these books. Apparently the magical capabilities of her protagonists is matched only by the vast retention and capacity of their bladders.
And yet. . . .
The repetitiveness and goofy artificiality of the Convergence series has won it a place of affection in my heart; it's one of my favorite fantasy series to re-reread. Though it's very much the worst kind of excess given an unchecked hand, there's a lush sumptuousness to it that's difficult to ignore. Green's sadism has a zest that's great fun to watch develop over the course of the series. And her obvious enjoyment of her glacial plotting (by the end of the first volume, a mere three days and several hundred pots of tea have passed) reveals depths of self-indulgence so remarkably bottomless that it's like a literary first visit to the Grand Canyon. All one can do is gawp, and marvel at the sheer majesty.
Are the books of The Blending exquisite writing? Good lord, no. Are they fun? Amazingly so, when approached by readers who can relish the unintentional camp comedy of their overwrought drama. I've reread these books a half-dozen times, and they'll always have a fond spot in my heart.
Competitions (The Blending, #2)
by Sharon Green
4 of 5 stars
In Convergence, the first book of The Blending series, protagonists representing the elements of Air, Water, Fire, Earth, and Spirit narrated every tiny plot event from each of their own perspectives. Between the natural sluggishness of this artificial device, and the oceans of tea the protagonists insist upon sipping as they discuss and re-discuss every turn of event, the advance and retreat of glaciers looks positively zippy in comparison.
In this second volume, Competitions, Green rotates in another five character perspectives—the Evil Blending whom our protagonists must eventually overcome.
So readers can tell these ten (!) narrators apart, here's a scorecard. The five members of the Evil Blending are sexually promiscuous, mocking of their superiors and outright rude and condescending to their inferiors, murderous, paranoid, eager to cheat their way to the top, are quick to anger, and slow to forgive. They experience great delight in the misfortunes of others, spend great amounts of time bemoaning how the world is against them, and plot endlessly to overthrow those in power.
On the other hand, our five flawless heroes and heroines are sexually promiscuous, mocking of their superiors and outright rude and condescending to their inferiors, murderous, paranoid, eager to cheat their way to the top, are quick to anger, and slow to forgive. They experience great delight in the misfortunes of others, spend great amounts of time bemoaning how the world is against them, and plot endlessly to . . . hey, wait a minute!
Whatever. Bad genre fiction doesn't get any more compulsively readable than The Blending. Like a name-brand potato chip, you can't have just one.
Oh, What A Wonderful Wedding
by Patrick Dennis (written as Virginia Rowans)
4 of 5 stars
Two years before the publication of the Patrick Dennis best-seller Auntie Mame, Edward Everett Tanner III had his first novel published, under his feminine, other pseudonym of Virginia Rowans. It's a little obvious that Oh, What A Wonderful Wedding is a first novel; Tanner chose to use an omniscient narrator in the present tense, for one thing. He might have justified to himself by thinking it lent a journalistic immediacy to this chronicle of a wedding from the moment the groom asks the bride's parents for their blessings, through the months to a fateful reception after the ceremony. But the perspective is an awkward literary device in his hands, and his discomfort shows. By the end of the episodic and loosely-plotted novel, he's not even using it very consistently.
Still, it's fascinating to see how Tanner hit the ground running with some of his favorite objects of satire. Deftly he skewers the Madison Avenue advertising men of the nineteen-fifties, the nouveau riche, and suburbanite bridge-and-tunnel set. As he would in later books, he makes comic fodder of both Long Island and Connecticut matrons, Manhattan society, Southern belles, and those who climb socially for sport. The book's wedding begins a loose thematic trilogy of marriage stories that would be followed by the best-selling The Loving Couple (picturing a married couple in the throes of disintegration) and The Joyous Season (which features a frank look at the comic side of a bitter divorce)—but it's not as experimental as the former, nor as sincerely touching as the latter. There's not even a sympathetic character to be seen in Oh, What A Wonderful Wedding until the late entrance of bridesmaid Pussy Pemberton, one of Tanner's stock salt-of-the-earth dames with a heart of gold.
Also astonishing is how enduring are the tropes Tanner treads through in his story. There's not a consumer of entertainment alive who's not already read a novel or seen a movie or reality TV show featuring the first awkward meeting of future in-laws, or manipulative mothers transforming small weddings into gargantuan affairs, or wacky bridesmaids, or silly wedding planners. We're all familiar with the horror shows of inappropriate wedding presents, of last-minute wedding disasters. Tanner explores them as if they're new territory, however—and I suspect his prescient satirist's eye was capturing an era in which all these elements were cohering and becoming codified into the commercial wedding extravaganzas we love (or loathe) today.
Oh, What A Wonderful Wedding is easily the slightest of Tanner's sixteen novels. It's fun, though, and light-hearted in a way that his later novels are not. It's the work of an author for whom writing was still clearly a joy, and who was still discovering the claws behind the light touch of his comic prose.
Cloud Atlas
by David Mitchell
2 of 5 stars
It's impossible to talk about Cloud Atlas without addressing the book's structure. Mitchell's novel is composed of six longish pastiche short stories of wildly varying quality and tone that fit together, as so many have pointed out, like nesting dolls—though whether that analogy is truly accurate, I doubt. It's just that when I've opened up a nesting doll, I've found an intact entire object within. Not an amputated half of a doll, with the promise of finding its missing part at some later juncture.
I prefer the analogy the author employs in the book of 'interrupted solos'—six voices whose narratives are broken off by the insinuation of new stories at a further point in a timeline, who resume their tales sequentially when the last of the solos completes. Without this highly artificial device, all we really have are a half-dozen short stories (again, of varying quality and readability and with wildly shifting tones that range from the somber and elegiac to rinky-dink Yakkity Sax Keystone Kops capers) that are tied together with some kind of inconsequential mumbo-jumbo about a birthmark and reincarnation. Yawn.
The fact that so many people get excited enough about the book because of its structure strikes me as the result of the author attempting to pander to his readers' ability finally to exercise some of the ham-handed literary criticism techniques they half-remember from their middle- and high-school language arts classes.
Because really, the way the stories interconnect is often nonsensical. That the first installment of Cloud Atlas is a journal read by the narrator of the second story is fine. But the letters written by the second narrator are supposed to be the property of an old man in the third story—who is a minor character in a fictional book (and a most torturous-to-read work of overwrought fiction it is, too). How the letters make that transition from the world of the actual to the world of the fictional I can't even begin to wrap my brain around. Nor do I understand how the narrator of the fifth story manages to see a movie version of the fourth that somehow preserves its narrator's quirky voice. That the final narrator can't even understand the language of the fifth narrative is believable, because I couldn't be understandin' or makin' no sense o' it's much-apostrophied end-o'-civilization (but oh-so-writerly) Huck Finn common-folkses colloquialisms.
Also irritating is how the author constantly has his narrators comment derisively upon the narratives previous to their own. When the 1930s musician of the second narrative declares the Pacific journals of his predecessor unreadable (and yes, they are), or when Timothy Cavendish nearly tosses aside the Luisa Rey mystery because he finds it 'artsy-fartsy' (sorry, Mr. Cavendish, it's not good enough to be artsy-fartsy—but it is equally as unreadable), there are probably dozens of English literature grad students rejoicing at finding fodder for a post-modernist dissertations. I see an author desperately attempting to mitigate his readers' negative responses to his own writing, though—which is another form of reader pandering.
One of the book's stories—that of Sonmi, a clone in a future dystopia—I found both moving and interesting. Two of them—the letters of Robert Frobisher and the adventures of Timothy Cavendish—were mildly engaging. The rest I found a chore. However, were it not for the author's insistence that I admire the structure of his work and marvel at his handiwork . . . while ignoring the faults that make parts of it unreadable . . . I might have come away from a simple collection of short stories with something more than a bad taste in my mouth.
His Majesty's Dragon (Temeraire, #1)
by Naomi Novik (Goodreads Author)
5 of 5 stars
I bought this book because it appeared on a list of recommended fantasy series, and because I was intrigued by the idea of dragons appearing in fiction about the Napoleonic wars. Though it took me forever actually to pick up the novel and begin it, I was hooked from the first two pages not only by Novik's smooth period-lite pastiche, but by the vigor and imaginativeness of her conception. Two days later, I was weeping—actually weeping!—as I approached the book's conclusion.
On public transit, no less.
His Majesty's Dragon is a fun read that hits a genre sweet spot vacated by Anne McCaffrey's Pern books and Mercedes Lackey's enjoyable early Valdemar novels. It's been a long while since I read the first novel of a series that left me anxious to get my hands on the next installment.
Miss Buncle's Book
by D.E. Stevenson
5 of 5 stars
D. E. Stevenson's Miss Buncle's Book, published in 1936, shares much in common with the E. F. Benson novel Secret Lives, which preceded it by four years. Both novels explore the comic potential of a secret author—not an scribe of good fiction in either case, mind you, but of popular books—who upsets the lives of the tightly-knit upper-middle-class English community in which she lives, inadvertently exposing all manner of hypocrisy and disingenuous behavior.
The title character of Miss Buncle's Book does so by penning a tale called Disturber of the Peace, in which she anonymously chronicles the frailties and follies of her neighbors in a gentle roman à clef. Miss Buncle's previously-placid village reads the novel, and is consumed by the certainty that it has been written by one of their own.
Like the Pan-like ‘Golden Boy’ who floats through Miss Buncle's Disturber of the Peace and upends an entire fictional rural village with a tune from his pipes, Miss Buncle herself is an irresistible (if unwitting) catalyst for change. The high-and-mighty with the most to lose by Miss Buncle's revelations threaten lawsuits, and seek to track down the mysterious author in order to give him a horsewhipping. The deserving few of the village find themselves for the first time moved by the novel-within-a-novel to to seek happiness and love . . . giving Miss Buncle ample material for a sequel to her bestseller in the process.
The book's a hoot. It's not as vicious as Benson at his most sharp-fanged, nor are any of the plot's twists truly surprising. The characters are sweet, however, and Stevenson's conceit of books within books is playfully executed. For fans of Benson or other literature of the period such as Cold Comfort Farm, Miss Buncle's Book will prove a light-hearted gem.
The Far West (Frontier Magic, #3)
and Across the Great Barrier (Frontier Magic, #2)
by Patricia C. Wrede
4 of 5 stars
Every few months, an Internet controversy arises that requires no more of its participants than to leap upon some minor perceived slight, fan the flames of controversy, and then bask in the blazing hot fires of self-righteous fervor. It doesn't matter if the popular flavor of the month is whether a Disney princess appears in a too-feminine dress on the company's website that none of the shrieking masses visit, or whether a satire site said something unkind about a public figure whose movie almost no one saw.
If the controversy can make a lazy average person feel like an indignant activist between Facebook status updates--without any actual activism beyond foaming at the mouth and pounding on the laptop--everybody wants to dogpile on, say the most unkind things imaginable, and congratulate themselves for 'raising awareness' until the next meaningless auto-da-fé.
Such was the unfortunate fate of Patricia Wrede's The Thirteenth Child, the first novel in the author's trilogy of books best described as Laura Ingalls Wilder meets YA fantasy. Wrede's careful world building in her alternate-universe mid-nineteenth-century America envisioned a continent in which the first inhabitants of the continent were not our American natives, but settlers from both Europe and Africa. Irate Internet dogpilers, in high dudgeon (few of whom had read or intended to read the book) accused her of actual genocide of Native Americans.
It's a shame that the hurtful and irresponsible internet fury obscured the commencement of a series that is highly readable and really a fun amalgam of magical youth and frontier narrative. Watching Wrede's heroine Eff mature and come into her own across the series' three installments made me race through the books at a fast clip.
My only complaint about the series as a whole is that I wish the sense of place had been even stronger throughout. One of the joys of the Little House books is that so many of the foods the Ingalls eat, the games they played, and even the toys they made for themselves were so commonplace, yet made exotic; even the most magical landscapes of Wrede's Columbia are rendered almost too matter-of-factly.
Skip the controversy and pick up the books. They're a highly readable commentary on the resilience of the human spirit of exploration, and a gentle affirmation of human dignity, regardless of race.
Rita Moreno: A Memoir
by Rita Moreno
3 of 5 stars
In her memoir, multiple award-winning performer Rita Moreno shares a story about spending a weekend at a wealthy party in the Hamptons, early in her career. Invited as arm candy along with Ann Miller, another studio stalwart who was attempting to make a name for herself, the pair gleefully proceed to neglect their duties as showcase Hollywood glamor girls, knock back a few drinks, and then mischievously traipse from bathroom to bathroom in the mansion, so that they can peek in all of the host's medicine cabinets.
Reading Rita Moreno: A Memoir is a little bit like opening up a few medicine cabinets in the actor's own home. Behind some doors are deliciously dishy stories, like the Miller escapade. Behind others, there are glimpses at genuine heartache, such as Moreno's forced separation from much of her family when her mother chose to flee from Puerto Rico to the Bronx, or the actor's messy romance with Marlon Brando. Moreno and her co-writer, Laura Shaine Cunningham, do a serviceable job of conveying how much sheer work, effort, and luck it takes to hammer out a career as enduring as Moreno's has turned out to be, and manage to do so by finding just the right anecdote for the occasion.
Still, Cunningham does Moreno a disservice in the early chapters on life in Puerto Rico, which are heavily laden with awkward, florid, purple prose. It's a relief when finally Moreno's career starts and the pair settle into a more workmanlike style.
Tallulah!
by Joel Lobenthal
3 of 5 stars
Few biographies can rival the sheer comprehensiveness of Tallulah! Unlike the too many celebrity tell-alls that skimp on career to get to the juicy affairs and gossip, Lobenthal has extensively researched and documented every production with which the giant of the stage was involved, from her first obscure appearances as an ingenue to her late-career camp roles. There's abundant information on the rehearsal process for just about every play in which Bankhead appeared. Lobenthal does a terrific job of accounting for how Bankhead's larger-than-life personality—and the lifelong audience cult it inspired—made her career in its formative years by drawing media attention to an unknown, and yet ruined it later in her life when audiences refused to accept her dramatic roles as anything other than Bankhead drollery.
Bankhead was an actor whose persona was largely founded on not seeming to give a damn what anyone thought of her, either as a public figure or as a dramatic artist. It's a pity, therefore, that her biographer is abnormally protective of her throughout his research. Lobenthal seems determined to promote Bankhead as an Overlooked Legend to such an extent that he promotes any positive reviews of Bankhead's productions as gospel; he waxes rhapsodically about her film and radio and television performances in a manner that would have one believe that Bankhead's late-life appearance as a camp villain on the Adam West Batman series was a turn on par with any of Meryl Streep's Oscar-winning performances.
Woe to any actor or reviewer who has dared to disagree with the notion that Bankhead was the ultimate performer of her generation, however. Lobenthal has a distinct tendency to undermine his darling Tallulah’s negative reviews by questioning the credentials of the critics, and by using academic pejoratives (negative reviewers are always 'alleging' or 'carping') to undermine their authority. He goes out of his way to discredit the motives (and even the acting skills) of co-stars who stooped to suggest that working with Tallulah was perhaps something of a pain in the butt. He even glosses over the star's family's repeated complaints about Tallulah's many fictions about her upbringing, and manages to make the extended Bankhead family sound like a bunch of entitled ingrates envious of her wild success.
Although Tallulah! probably can't be beat for its thoroughness, it's a shame that Lobenthal didn't follow Bankhead's example and let the facts of her life fall where they might, consequences be damned. His overindulgence of the star long after her death has an unfortunate echo of the uncritical fans who showed up in droves to whoop for and laugh at their acid-tongued Tallulah, no matter what role she happened to be playing.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
From You to We
Over the years in the public version of my journal, I’ve written several times about grappling with issues related to my sexual orientation during my college years. While I wasn’t confused whatsoever about myself, quite often coming of age in a small Southern college town during the early Reagan years felt like trying to butt my head through a series of brick walls without a helmet.
I wrote a personal essay last week about being released from a campus tour guide position that I loved dearly, merely because it was suspected that I was gay. The amount of response I received was more than I ever expected. I was actually overwhelmed not only by the number of people who passed along the essay to other people, but by the sheer outpouring of concern and love from friends and strangers alike. College people I hadn’t talked to since my graduation in 1985 came out of the woodwork to say they appreciated what I’d written. People I had talked to many times since then offered me hugs and sympathy. Lots of folk started using words to describe me that ordinarily I wouldn’t be so bold as to pick for myself. Words like brave, or courageous.
Yet facing a memory I’d successfully choked down for nearly thirty years wasn’t particularly brave. It was, for a period of time after I allowed it to surface, pretty raw. Definitely painful. Talking about the incident on record for the university archivist hurt, but I pushed through. Writing about it publicly was cathartic. But brave? Nah, not really.
If you want to know what was brave in the aftermath of sharing that particular incident, look no further than when I spoke to my father about it a few days later. That took courage.
My father was also a graduate of William and Mary. I ended up attending the college in no small part because of the idyllic memories of his own college days. It really wasn’t like my father to wax rhapsodic over . . . well, anything. If one got him started on his undergraduate experience, however, the reminiscences rapidly turned into a rosy, glowing chronicle of misty dawns over the Sunken Garden, stolen kisses from apple-cheeked girls in Crim Dell, and challenging intellectual inquisitions from crusty old professors with hearts of gold that (I think) might have been pilfered somewhat from The Paper Chase.
Oh, and keggers. Lots of keggers.
The reasons I’ve never really talked with my father about the incidents of head-butting I encountered during my college years are multiple. For one thing, my family has always erred on the side of over-sharing when it comes to topics related to sex and sexuality. My mom and dad were the people, after all, who decided to illustrate the principles of the Old Testament covenant in a more modern and up-to-date way by informing my entire eighth-grade Sunday school class that I’d been circumcised near birth, prompting my peers to call me ‘Circumcision Boy’ for the rest of the year. My dad was the man who decades ago welcomed my husband to the family during our first visit South by perching on the edge of the sofa bed in his underwear and quizzing a horrified Craig in depth about his sexual history. In other words, my dad is already enough all up in my bidness that I really can’t be blamed for wanting a little distance and decorum over some parts of my life.
My parents knew that I had issues with a couple of my roommates; they didn’t know that largely they’d arisen as a result of homophobia, both internalized and institutional. They didn’t know about the tricky relationships I’d had during my college years, or the struggles I faced because of cruel and untrue rumors that people spread about me. They didn’t know the college had looked me in the face and told me it didn’t particularly care for my kind. Even in the many years after I was out to them I never spoke of these things because I didn’t want to befoul my father’s golden-tinted nostalgia when it came to his alma mater. William and Mary might not have been an ideal fit for me on some levels, but I very much respect and appreciate that my dad had a good time there. (At the keggers.)
In large part, though, I didn’t talk about many of the problems I’d faced in college because I didn’t want my dad to worry. Good parents fret about their children, even when they know they’re safe and whole. Ever since I came out, my father’s always agonized that he might have said something inadvertent when I was growing up that I might have interpreted retroactively as unloving or unsupportive. (He didn’t.) To share stories of adversity would have confirmed his fear that he hadn’t done everything humanly possible to shelter me from misfortune.
So I never shared the more grim tales of my past. Both of our instincts are to protect the other.
After I spoke to the archivist last month, however, I realized that I needed to tell these same stories to my dad. So I called him, and told him about the Stephens Project. Then I took a breath and launched into what I needed to say. I revisited the bad experiences I had with my sophomore and junior year roommates. I talked about my right-wing boyfriend. I told him the story that got so much attention last week, about my confrontation with Admissions.
The last part was the hardest of all; one of the things my father had done during his college years was, along with a handful of others, was to institute the campus tours that I so dearly had loved giving. The university had never held them before my dad and a few others from Circle K began offering them on their own to prospective students. Later on, Admissions subsumed the Circle K program as their own. My dad had been so proud of me for carrying on the family tradition that I don’t even think I’d ever admitted to him that I’d been let go as a tour guide, my senior year.
As I feared, my dad was distressed at the news. He apologized to me. He spoke carefully and regretfully, as if I were some kind of wounded veteran who was an unavoidable reminder of the nation’s pain. I told him to drop that. Here’s the thing—and I would say the very same to anyone who’s tempted to regard me as some kind of battle-scarred invalid still quivering from my injuries of three decades ago. Bad stuff happened to me in college. (Bad stuff has happened to me since, and will no doubt happen in the future.) I wish it hadn’t, but we’re all dealt certain cards in life, and all we can do is play them. Even if it were possible to make all my adversity vanish with a single wish, I wouldn’t dare do so. All kinds of experiences, good and bad, have gone into shaping me into the person I am today. I’m really fond of that person.
I think that person is pretty awesome, in fact. I see that guy in the mirror and I want to wink at him and shoot finger-guns in his direction and say, Lookin’ foxy, stallion! just because I like him that much.
So hell, if a couple of bad years is part of the price it took to get to that level of self-acceptance, I’m actually pretty okay with it. I don’t want my father fretting and fussing that he wasn’t able to shelter me from problems he didn’t know existed. He shouldn’t convince himself that my college life was one of fear and suffering. That’s not how I’d characterize it at all. Neither should he.
“I’m glad you did this,” he said, when I explained all that to him. “Talked to the people in the archives, I mean. And talked to me.”
“I’m glad I did, too,” I told him.
“We need to be sharing stories like this,” he told me. “It’s important that we share them, that we speak out, that we let others know about our experiences so that we get the message out.”
And in the end, here is why I love my dad: because in those considerate, generous sentences, he used the word we. My struggle becomes our struggle. My albatross, unasked, he automatically shoulders. He doesn’t need to; I never asked him. But he does, with gallantry. That’s why.
That’s why I especially love those friends of mine who, over the past couple of weeks, have reached out to offer similar expressions of support and concern. My past hurts aren’t their fault; there’s little they could have done to back then to remedy them. But in recognizing and acknowledging my struggles, and kneeling down to assume their share of the weight of them, they manage both to humble me and give me even more hope for the future.
They remind me that you can and should always be we.
I wrote a personal essay last week about being released from a campus tour guide position that I loved dearly, merely because it was suspected that I was gay. The amount of response I received was more than I ever expected. I was actually overwhelmed not only by the number of people who passed along the essay to other people, but by the sheer outpouring of concern and love from friends and strangers alike. College people I hadn’t talked to since my graduation in 1985 came out of the woodwork to say they appreciated what I’d written. People I had talked to many times since then offered me hugs and sympathy. Lots of folk started using words to describe me that ordinarily I wouldn’t be so bold as to pick for myself. Words like brave, or courageous.
Yet facing a memory I’d successfully choked down for nearly thirty years wasn’t particularly brave. It was, for a period of time after I allowed it to surface, pretty raw. Definitely painful. Talking about the incident on record for the university archivist hurt, but I pushed through. Writing about it publicly was cathartic. But brave? Nah, not really.
If you want to know what was brave in the aftermath of sharing that particular incident, look no further than when I spoke to my father about it a few days later. That took courage.
My father was also a graduate of William and Mary. I ended up attending the college in no small part because of the idyllic memories of his own college days. It really wasn’t like my father to wax rhapsodic over . . . well, anything. If one got him started on his undergraduate experience, however, the reminiscences rapidly turned into a rosy, glowing chronicle of misty dawns over the Sunken Garden, stolen kisses from apple-cheeked girls in Crim Dell, and challenging intellectual inquisitions from crusty old professors with hearts of gold that (I think) might have been pilfered somewhat from The Paper Chase.
Oh, and keggers. Lots of keggers.
The reasons I’ve never really talked with my father about the incidents of head-butting I encountered during my college years are multiple. For one thing, my family has always erred on the side of over-sharing when it comes to topics related to sex and sexuality. My mom and dad were the people, after all, who decided to illustrate the principles of the Old Testament covenant in a more modern and up-to-date way by informing my entire eighth-grade Sunday school class that I’d been circumcised near birth, prompting my peers to call me ‘Circumcision Boy’ for the rest of the year. My dad was the man who decades ago welcomed my husband to the family during our first visit South by perching on the edge of the sofa bed in his underwear and quizzing a horrified Craig in depth about his sexual history. In other words, my dad is already enough all up in my bidness that I really can’t be blamed for wanting a little distance and decorum over some parts of my life.
My parents knew that I had issues with a couple of my roommates; they didn’t know that largely they’d arisen as a result of homophobia, both internalized and institutional. They didn’t know about the tricky relationships I’d had during my college years, or the struggles I faced because of cruel and untrue rumors that people spread about me. They didn’t know the college had looked me in the face and told me it didn’t particularly care for my kind. Even in the many years after I was out to them I never spoke of these things because I didn’t want to befoul my father’s golden-tinted nostalgia when it came to his alma mater. William and Mary might not have been an ideal fit for me on some levels, but I very much respect and appreciate that my dad had a good time there. (At the keggers.)
In large part, though, I didn’t talk about many of the problems I’d faced in college because I didn’t want my dad to worry. Good parents fret about their children, even when they know they’re safe and whole. Ever since I came out, my father’s always agonized that he might have said something inadvertent when I was growing up that I might have interpreted retroactively as unloving or unsupportive. (He didn’t.) To share stories of adversity would have confirmed his fear that he hadn’t done everything humanly possible to shelter me from misfortune.
So I never shared the more grim tales of my past. Both of our instincts are to protect the other.
After I spoke to the archivist last month, however, I realized that I needed to tell these same stories to my dad. So I called him, and told him about the Stephens Project. Then I took a breath and launched into what I needed to say. I revisited the bad experiences I had with my sophomore and junior year roommates. I talked about my right-wing boyfriend. I told him the story that got so much attention last week, about my confrontation with Admissions.
The last part was the hardest of all; one of the things my father had done during his college years was, along with a handful of others, was to institute the campus tours that I so dearly had loved giving. The university had never held them before my dad and a few others from Circle K began offering them on their own to prospective students. Later on, Admissions subsumed the Circle K program as their own. My dad had been so proud of me for carrying on the family tradition that I don’t even think I’d ever admitted to him that I’d been let go as a tour guide, my senior year.
As I feared, my dad was distressed at the news. He apologized to me. He spoke carefully and regretfully, as if I were some kind of wounded veteran who was an unavoidable reminder of the nation’s pain. I told him to drop that. Here’s the thing—and I would say the very same to anyone who’s tempted to regard me as some kind of battle-scarred invalid still quivering from my injuries of three decades ago. Bad stuff happened to me in college. (Bad stuff has happened to me since, and will no doubt happen in the future.) I wish it hadn’t, but we’re all dealt certain cards in life, and all we can do is play them. Even if it were possible to make all my adversity vanish with a single wish, I wouldn’t dare do so. All kinds of experiences, good and bad, have gone into shaping me into the person I am today. I’m really fond of that person.
I think that person is pretty awesome, in fact. I see that guy in the mirror and I want to wink at him and shoot finger-guns in his direction and say, Lookin’ foxy, stallion! just because I like him that much.
So hell, if a couple of bad years is part of the price it took to get to that level of self-acceptance, I’m actually pretty okay with it. I don’t want my father fretting and fussing that he wasn’t able to shelter me from problems he didn’t know existed. He shouldn’t convince himself that my college life was one of fear and suffering. That’s not how I’d characterize it at all. Neither should he.
“I’m glad you did this,” he said, when I explained all that to him. “Talked to the people in the archives, I mean. And talked to me.”
“I’m glad I did, too,” I told him.
“We need to be sharing stories like this,” he told me. “It’s important that we share them, that we speak out, that we let others know about our experiences so that we get the message out.”
And in the end, here is why I love my dad: because in those considerate, generous sentences, he used the word we. My struggle becomes our struggle. My albatross, unasked, he automatically shoulders. He doesn’t need to; I never asked him. But he does, with gallantry. That’s why.
That’s why I especially love those friends of mine who, over the past couple of weeks, have reached out to offer similar expressions of support and concern. My past hurts aren’t their fault; there’s little they could have done to back then to remedy them. But in recognizing and acknowledging my struggles, and kneeling down to assume their share of the weight of them, they manage both to humble me and give me even more hope for the future.
They remind me that you can and should always be we.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Institutional Disapproval
Although I’d made pretty much straight As across the board in high school, during my freshman and sophomore years in college I found myself grappling with the reality of pulling a mixed bag of Bs and Cs, with the occasional A in subjects where I could evince a little more enthusiasm. Mostly I dealt with my academic slippage by not confronting it at all. Professors would hand back a marked paper in class, and if I was pretty sure I hadn’t done as well as I wanted, I’d slip it, unlooked-at, into my notebook. I wouldn’t pull it out again until I was alone and I could steel myself in private for the disappointment. I didn’t want anyone else to see my expressions of rue.
It was a bad habit. I’m not proud. Once I finally found my academic groove, I was glad to be rid of that behavior.
Only I really wasn’t, because during this last month I uncovered something else I’d put aside during my college days. Something I planned to examine again when I had my composure and my dignity, in private, at a time when it couldn’t hurt me any longer. It wasn’t an essay or a blue exam booklet, but a memory. Even though I’d locked it away and mentally forbade myself ever to appraise it, when I unpacked it and removed it from the airless container in which it had mummified for thirty years, it hadn’t lost any of its potency. It still has sharp, painful edges that cut when I handle them. It still hurts.
My friend and old college roommate Eric earlier this month asked if I’d considered giving an oral history to the Stephens Project—an initiative by William and Mary’s Swem Library to collect and document the stories and experiences of gay and lesbian alumni, staff, and faculty about our time at the college, and the impact the college had on our sexualities.
I try to keep myself at arm’s length from any alumni activity, so my initial internal reaction was a hearty hell no! I could see that the project was worthy, though, and knew it was the kind of thing that would be a good outlet for me. Plus the grad student collecting the oral histories was already conducting a spate of them in Manhattan this week. It would be convenient not only for me to schedule an appointment while he was here, but for him as well.
Loath as I was to talk about my awful college days at length, I knew that enough decades had passed that it really was time to scrutinize the string of mostly negative events that made my college years a trial. And moreover, it seemed time to examine them as a continuous narrative, set in the context of both a socially conservative Southern college setting, and the repressed early nineteen-eighties when I was entombed there.
So I decided that I’d talk about how I’d entered college fairly at peace with my sexuality, thanks to my super-liberal parents—though I had absolutely no intentions of ever coming out during my life. I’d already patterned my future adulthood on the “confirmed bachelors” among my parents’ academic friends—a lonely life of antiques, an appreciation of Bette Davis movies, and furtive sexual trysts of which I’d never speak again.
I suspected I’d talk about how I had problems assimilating my freshmen year, but my issue was more how to pass as a white boy, than how to pass as a straight one. I’d been a racial non-minority minority in my all African-American high school. Landing feet-first in the preppy, lily-white freshman class of 1981 was more culture shock than anything I’d ever experienced.
I knew I’d talk about my sophomore year, when my first roommate sexually harassed me for months before moving out and then starting a completely false whisper campaign on campus that I’d raped him. That reputation haunted me the rest of the time I was at William and Mary. It was an impeachment I couldn’t refute or counter because it was never formally leveled against me. And in those days, the gayness of it all was even more horrifying to people than the actual crime of rape—so I was always whispered about, and always supect.
I knew I’d talk about the boyfriend I had during my junior year who made me walk fifteen feet behind him on campus and who would only have conversations with me at the campus cafeteria if we sat at adjacent tables, facing the same direction. I knew I’d talk about “The Plan” that he had, the ridiculous and totally un-ironic notion that he and I would graduate, get nice conservative jobs in Richmond, buy adjacent houses, marry pretty William and Mary grads for wives, and that on weekends we’d consummate our unholy homosexual desires in the garage while our wives gossiped over the back fence.
I figured I’d have to address my junior year roommate, who unbeknownst to me was grappling with his own sexuality and his heavily-religious background. He decided shortly before we were supposed to move into our senior dorm together that he wouldn’t be rooming with me our final year, because I was interfering with his personal relationship to God . . . which I interpreted as meaning that he’d somehow found out I was gay, and didn’t approve. And then I started to think about that first weeks of my senior year when that roommate showed up and moved into the room we’d chosen anyway, and how intolerable the time was that we lived silently side by side, not exchanging a single word.
It was while I was thinking about this painful month that I tripped some mental wire that exposed the memory I’d been trying to hide from myself for three decades. At first I recoiled. I tried to pack it away again; it shouldn’t have seen the light of day. But then I edged around the loathsome thing, kicked it a little, and decided to pull it out. Painful or not, it was the crowning summation of all the indignities I experienced at William and Mary. It went on to define my relationship to the college—or lack thereof—ever after.
So, on the day after the Supreme Court repealed DOMA, I shared the following story with a total stranger for the very first time.
I’ve had precious few moments of absolute clarity in my life, but during the summer between my sophomore and junior years I realized that I wanted to be a campus tour guide for prospective students. I don’t know what gave me the idea I’d be perfect for it, but I knew I had all the qualifications. That is, an enthusiasm for talking at length, a broad knowledge of the college and its activities, a knack for public speaking, and most importantly, the ability to lecture a group of unfamiliar high school students and their parents while walking backwards.
I’d never really manifested such college spirit as when I decided I wanted to lead campus tours. I’d never before really set myself an independent goal with no concept of how to make it come to fruition. I was not accustomed to making bold decisions and taking chances with unknown experiences. But I marched into the college admissions office, asked how one became a tour guide, and filled out a form. The secretary at the desk asked if I had an adult reference. I thought a moment, and decided to go straight to the top. I threw out the name of Mrs. Thomas Graves, wife of the college president.
I’d become acquainted with Mrs. Graves in the first month of my freshman year when she and Mr. Graves had extended an invitation to my freshman roommate—and his roommate—to dinner at the President’s House. My roommate had been a graduate of (and had a father who taught at) the Phillips Exeter Academy, a prep school in New Hampshire, where the Graves were seeking admission for one of their sons. It was supposed to be a bit of a schmoozefest and my roommate obviously did not want me there. He’d invited me only grudgingly, and because he had to. He was a bit of a Neanderthal during the entire evening. I don’t recall that he actually picked up his plate and licked off the gravy, but if I were writing a screenplay of the night, that’s what I’d have him do. It was pretty close. But I was charming and the highlight of the evening was when Mrs. Graves heard I was taking piano lessons and invited me to play Flo Ziegfield’s historic piano for her. I sat down and whipped off the “Moonlight Sonata,” which happened to be her favorite composition. She was my advocate for the rest of our mutual tenure at the college. I could do no wrong, in Mrs. Graves’ eyes.
And what was the admissions office to do, when they had the college president’s wife pressuring them into taking me on as a volunteer? They caved. So all during that summer, my junior year, and the summer following, I worked for Admissions. Once or twice a week I’d meet a group of prospective students and their parents in a room of the historic Wren building. I’d play them a promotional slide show filled with inspirational images of happy students crowded around stacks of books (in my memory the photographs always showed one white female student, one black male, an Asian female, and a Latin guy, which was totally unlike any group of undergrads I ever saw at the school), or playing lacrosse, or strolling in front of gauzy, out-of-focus Colonial Williamsburg landmarks. Then I’d turn on the lights, introduce myself, and corral the group on a one-hour loop around the campus.
I loved being a campus tour guide. I never before felt so much in my element as I did when I was conveying my enthusiasm and affection for the college on those tours. I should have had a shaky period when I was still trying to anticipate what the parents and kids wanted to hear the most, or what questions they might ask throughout the tour—but I honestly don’t remember having one. I launched into that role with a confidence that I’d never once known. I was informative. I was on point. More importantly, I was entertaining. I learned how to spice a narrative with dashes of humor. I had a fantastic time.
And my enthusiasm showed. At the end of each trip around campus I had families linger to tell me how very much they’d enjoyed the tours, and how much better they had been than visits they’d made to other institutions. Parents wrote letters of praise about me to the Admissions Office—a fat file folder full. That position was the very first job I loved. It was a volunteer job, to be sure, but I found it fulfilling in a way that no other activity during my college years ever, ever approached. I don’t know what instinct had told me that I’d be a perfect match for this responsibility. But I’d been right on the target.
My senior year came around. I was stuck in a dorm room with someone clinging desperately to his religion and who’d told me he wouldn’t be rooming with me, but appeared to be rooming with (but not speaking to) me anyway. I’d auditioned for a one-act play in the theater department and gotten a good role, only to lose it again because one of the women who’d also been cast didn’t want to have to go onstage with a gay rapist. Then, one day after one of my campus tours, one of the higher-ups in the Admissions Office asked me to come to his desk to have a little talk.
He was one of those Good Old Boys that populate the staff of Southern colleges—stuffed into a too-tight button-down, always perspiring, florid of complexion, narrow-minded, a hearty conservative fellow who’d probably been a frat boy and a William and Mary grad himself, who’d probably gotten his job through cronyism and intended to cling onto it for dear life until retirement. He was not, in other words, the kind of man I entirely trusted. But I was riding a high from giving my tour, so I was open and friendly with him as he asked me about the kinds of extracurricular activities in which I participated.
I told him about the plays in which I’d appeared, and the fun I’d been having in the school’s craft workshop. I jawed on about the writing I was doing, about the college radio. I was in the middle of explaining the work that I was doing in forming a new local chapter of Parents Anonymous when he interrupted me and said, “So . . . most of your extracurriculars are . . . artistic?”
I blinked a couple of times and started to say that a self-help group for abusive or potentially abusive parents wasn’t really considered the fine arts.
He interrupted me again, though. “But most of your activities . . . would you say they were. . . .” He lifted his head, gave me a sidelong look, and then repeated himself. “. . . artistic?”
There was something in the man’s tone that arrested my volubility. Insinuation poisoned the word. He said it as if he were saying syphilitic. I hadn’t really thought about the reasons this particular staff member might have for wanting to talk to me. But suddenly I was wary, and very much alive to the possibility that it wasn’t something good. “I suppose,” I conceded.
“You don’t play in intramural sports?” I shook my head. “No? Not even tag football? Lacrosse? Basketball? Soccer? No? You don’t belong to a fraternity?”
No, I hadn’t done any of those things. Privately, I thought they sounded deeply unappealing.
“This brings me to something we want to say, then,” said the man, leaning forward. He clutched one fist with his hand, and smiled in a falsely convivial, chummy manner. “We’ve decided this year that we need to go in a . . . new direction . . . with our campus tour guides. We really don’t find that someone artistic is a good representation of what William and Mary is all about.” I sat there, stunned, and didn’t say a word. He repeated himself in different ways. “You see, a fellow who’s artistic like yourself just isn’t a positive representative for the campus. The college doesn’t really want anyone artistic to represent it. It’s embarrassing for the college if prospects think all our students are artistic.”
I looked dead into the eyes of this man, and realized exactly what he was telling me: You’re obviously a god-damned queer. We don’t want a queer representing the College of William and Mary. My awakening to his true meaning froze me. This man, who represented everything I disliked about about smug, self-satisfied, white, male, heterosexual, small-town, Southern America was not only letting me go from a job into which I’d poured hours of volunteer time and outright passion, but he was enjoying every moment. He licked his lips and did it with relish.
So I sat there, and stared at him, and kept my exterior perfectly composed and unruffled while inside, every emergency siren blared at full blast. Never before in my life had I been called out and derided for my sexuality. Never before had I been denied anything because of who I was. This is the way things are, son, I understood the man was telling me. I get to make the rules, and I’ll kick disgusting lowlife homosexshuls like you straight to the curb. Every damn chance I get. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
It was a shock that, to this day, still feels like a knife to the chest.
When the noise in my head cleared, I heard the man trying to make the blow sound like he was doing me a favor. “It’s your senior year, anyway,” he was saying. “You don’t want to be doing something like working for the admissions office. You’ve got plans to make. Things to do.” Things that don’t include dirtying up my office, faggot, I understood him to mean, very clearly.
I stood up, smiled, nodded, and walked out of Admissions. I hadn’t even reached the front stoop before I had taken the experience, packed it away in a heavily-insulated box, and stored it in a dark place. I’d examine it later, I told myself. Later, when it didn’t hurt as much, I’d think about it.
I didn’t know it would take me twenty-nine years.
Nor did I know that even at that distance, when it was just me and a voice recorder and a friendly, listening stranger, in a silent room on a sunny summer’s afternoon in Manhattan, the memory still would slice and throb.
Even though I absolutely refused to examine my dismissal, or even acknowledge to myself why it had happened, the meeting still had consequences. I went home that afternoon to my inhospitable dorm room, looked around, and marched right out again to the student life office to request that I be transferred to a single. Once I moved, I withdrew for the rest of the year—withdrew from boundaries of the college itself to a remote off-campus dorm where I could shut the door to my single room and no one would have to see me. I withdrew from the theater department and dropped my double major. I basically dropped all my extracurriculars. One month into my senior year, I was already making plans to disengage and depart.
If someone from William and Mary’s Alumni House were to ask me why I’ve never attended a homecoming or a class reunion, I’d have a glib answer—it just wasn’t really my thing. I lived too far away. If someone asked me why I’d never once contributed to any of the college’s capital campaigns or fundraising efforts, I’d tell them that I’d worked too closely with a university development office for years to see the campaigns as anything more than shaking down the alumni . . . or that I’m cheap. If they’d asked why I didn’t submit updates to the class notes of the alumni magazine, or why I hadn’t attended any of the regional alumni auction events or meetings, I’d have replied that I simply wasn’t a joiner.
But the fact of the matter is this: I’ve never done any of those things because I had been told—at an institutional level—that the College of William and Mary wanted no truck with my kind. The college had looked into my eyes, licked its lips, and informed me that under no circumstances did I represent what they stood for. Even though I refused to examine or revisit that encounter in the admissions office, all my knee-jerk instincts to keep the college at arm’s length, to disassociate myself from my classmates and my fellow alumni, date back to that afternoon. They date back to the moment that a university official told me that I could no longer do something I loved, simply because he suspected I was gay, and simply because he didn’t like gays.
I know the college these days would have absolutely no problem taking my gay dollars. But I’m sorry—my resentment is still too strong.
Sometimes it seems one learns more about a thing in its absence, than when it’s up close and present. Detroit was like that. I understood more about Detroit and the midwest and its toxic, insular small-mindedness upon moving away than I did during the twenty-five years I was there. Likewise, when I left college, I realized how very narrow-minded and suffocated was Williamsburg, and that there was a vast world out there that didn’t share its ultra-conservative values. As Eric remarked to me, William and Mary was saltpeter to the soul; I discovered that leaving it and discovering new perspectives was the antidote.
The point I really wanted to make in my oral history was that when I left William and Mary, feeling beaten down and dispirited in a way I hadn’t when I’d entered it, I could never have imagined for myself the life that I’ve had since. I couldn’t have envisioned meeting within a mere five years the man with whom I’ve spent the last nearly quarter-century. I couldn’t have predicted how smoothly I’d come out. I would never have even fantasized about the then-unimaginable prospect that I’d be legally married or have the ability to file a joint federal income tax return. When I left college, it was with a conviction that if anything good happened to me in my life, it would be in spite of my sexuality—not alongside it, or because of it.
If anything, I’ve lived the last three decades so fully just to spite my alma mater. But damn. What rich and colorful and wonderful decades they’ve been.
It was a bad habit. I’m not proud. Once I finally found my academic groove, I was glad to be rid of that behavior.
Only I really wasn’t, because during this last month I uncovered something else I’d put aside during my college days. Something I planned to examine again when I had my composure and my dignity, in private, at a time when it couldn’t hurt me any longer. It wasn’t an essay or a blue exam booklet, but a memory. Even though I’d locked it away and mentally forbade myself ever to appraise it, when I unpacked it and removed it from the airless container in which it had mummified for thirty years, it hadn’t lost any of its potency. It still has sharp, painful edges that cut when I handle them. It still hurts.
My friend and old college roommate Eric earlier this month asked if I’d considered giving an oral history to the Stephens Project—an initiative by William and Mary’s Swem Library to collect and document the stories and experiences of gay and lesbian alumni, staff, and faculty about our time at the college, and the impact the college had on our sexualities.
I try to keep myself at arm’s length from any alumni activity, so my initial internal reaction was a hearty hell no! I could see that the project was worthy, though, and knew it was the kind of thing that would be a good outlet for me. Plus the grad student collecting the oral histories was already conducting a spate of them in Manhattan this week. It would be convenient not only for me to schedule an appointment while he was here, but for him as well.
Loath as I was to talk about my awful college days at length, I knew that enough decades had passed that it really was time to scrutinize the string of mostly negative events that made my college years a trial. And moreover, it seemed time to examine them as a continuous narrative, set in the context of both a socially conservative Southern college setting, and the repressed early nineteen-eighties when I was entombed there.
So I decided that I’d talk about how I’d entered college fairly at peace with my sexuality, thanks to my super-liberal parents—though I had absolutely no intentions of ever coming out during my life. I’d already patterned my future adulthood on the “confirmed bachelors” among my parents’ academic friends—a lonely life of antiques, an appreciation of Bette Davis movies, and furtive sexual trysts of which I’d never speak again.
I suspected I’d talk about how I had problems assimilating my freshmen year, but my issue was more how to pass as a white boy, than how to pass as a straight one. I’d been a racial non-minority minority in my all African-American high school. Landing feet-first in the preppy, lily-white freshman class of 1981 was more culture shock than anything I’d ever experienced.
I knew I’d talk about my sophomore year, when my first roommate sexually harassed me for months before moving out and then starting a completely false whisper campaign on campus that I’d raped him. That reputation haunted me the rest of the time I was at William and Mary. It was an impeachment I couldn’t refute or counter because it was never formally leveled against me. And in those days, the gayness of it all was even more horrifying to people than the actual crime of rape—so I was always whispered about, and always supect.
I knew I’d talk about the boyfriend I had during my junior year who made me walk fifteen feet behind him on campus and who would only have conversations with me at the campus cafeteria if we sat at adjacent tables, facing the same direction. I knew I’d talk about “The Plan” that he had, the ridiculous and totally un-ironic notion that he and I would graduate, get nice conservative jobs in Richmond, buy adjacent houses, marry pretty William and Mary grads for wives, and that on weekends we’d consummate our unholy homosexual desires in the garage while our wives gossiped over the back fence.
I figured I’d have to address my junior year roommate, who unbeknownst to me was grappling with his own sexuality and his heavily-religious background. He decided shortly before we were supposed to move into our senior dorm together that he wouldn’t be rooming with me our final year, because I was interfering with his personal relationship to God . . . which I interpreted as meaning that he’d somehow found out I was gay, and didn’t approve. And then I started to think about that first weeks of my senior year when that roommate showed up and moved into the room we’d chosen anyway, and how intolerable the time was that we lived silently side by side, not exchanging a single word.
It was while I was thinking about this painful month that I tripped some mental wire that exposed the memory I’d been trying to hide from myself for three decades. At first I recoiled. I tried to pack it away again; it shouldn’t have seen the light of day. But then I edged around the loathsome thing, kicked it a little, and decided to pull it out. Painful or not, it was the crowning summation of all the indignities I experienced at William and Mary. It went on to define my relationship to the college—or lack thereof—ever after.
So, on the day after the Supreme Court repealed DOMA, I shared the following story with a total stranger for the very first time.
I’ve had precious few moments of absolute clarity in my life, but during the summer between my sophomore and junior years I realized that I wanted to be a campus tour guide for prospective students. I don’t know what gave me the idea I’d be perfect for it, but I knew I had all the qualifications. That is, an enthusiasm for talking at length, a broad knowledge of the college and its activities, a knack for public speaking, and most importantly, the ability to lecture a group of unfamiliar high school students and their parents while walking backwards.
I’d never really manifested such college spirit as when I decided I wanted to lead campus tours. I’d never before really set myself an independent goal with no concept of how to make it come to fruition. I was not accustomed to making bold decisions and taking chances with unknown experiences. But I marched into the college admissions office, asked how one became a tour guide, and filled out a form. The secretary at the desk asked if I had an adult reference. I thought a moment, and decided to go straight to the top. I threw out the name of Mrs. Thomas Graves, wife of the college president.
I’d become acquainted with Mrs. Graves in the first month of my freshman year when she and Mr. Graves had extended an invitation to my freshman roommate—and his roommate—to dinner at the President’s House. My roommate had been a graduate of (and had a father who taught at) the Phillips Exeter Academy, a prep school in New Hampshire, where the Graves were seeking admission for one of their sons. It was supposed to be a bit of a schmoozefest and my roommate obviously did not want me there. He’d invited me only grudgingly, and because he had to. He was a bit of a Neanderthal during the entire evening. I don’t recall that he actually picked up his plate and licked off the gravy, but if I were writing a screenplay of the night, that’s what I’d have him do. It was pretty close. But I was charming and the highlight of the evening was when Mrs. Graves heard I was taking piano lessons and invited me to play Flo Ziegfield’s historic piano for her. I sat down and whipped off the “Moonlight Sonata,” which happened to be her favorite composition. She was my advocate for the rest of our mutual tenure at the college. I could do no wrong, in Mrs. Graves’ eyes.
And what was the admissions office to do, when they had the college president’s wife pressuring them into taking me on as a volunteer? They caved. So all during that summer, my junior year, and the summer following, I worked for Admissions. Once or twice a week I’d meet a group of prospective students and their parents in a room of the historic Wren building. I’d play them a promotional slide show filled with inspirational images of happy students crowded around stacks of books (in my memory the photographs always showed one white female student, one black male, an Asian female, and a Latin guy, which was totally unlike any group of undergrads I ever saw at the school), or playing lacrosse, or strolling in front of gauzy, out-of-focus Colonial Williamsburg landmarks. Then I’d turn on the lights, introduce myself, and corral the group on a one-hour loop around the campus.
I loved being a campus tour guide. I never before felt so much in my element as I did when I was conveying my enthusiasm and affection for the college on those tours. I should have had a shaky period when I was still trying to anticipate what the parents and kids wanted to hear the most, or what questions they might ask throughout the tour—but I honestly don’t remember having one. I launched into that role with a confidence that I’d never once known. I was informative. I was on point. More importantly, I was entertaining. I learned how to spice a narrative with dashes of humor. I had a fantastic time.
And my enthusiasm showed. At the end of each trip around campus I had families linger to tell me how very much they’d enjoyed the tours, and how much better they had been than visits they’d made to other institutions. Parents wrote letters of praise about me to the Admissions Office—a fat file folder full. That position was the very first job I loved. It was a volunteer job, to be sure, but I found it fulfilling in a way that no other activity during my college years ever, ever approached. I don’t know what instinct had told me that I’d be a perfect match for this responsibility. But I’d been right on the target.
My senior year came around. I was stuck in a dorm room with someone clinging desperately to his religion and who’d told me he wouldn’t be rooming with me, but appeared to be rooming with (but not speaking to) me anyway. I’d auditioned for a one-act play in the theater department and gotten a good role, only to lose it again because one of the women who’d also been cast didn’t want to have to go onstage with a gay rapist. Then, one day after one of my campus tours, one of the higher-ups in the Admissions Office asked me to come to his desk to have a little talk.
He was one of those Good Old Boys that populate the staff of Southern colleges—stuffed into a too-tight button-down, always perspiring, florid of complexion, narrow-minded, a hearty conservative fellow who’d probably been a frat boy and a William and Mary grad himself, who’d probably gotten his job through cronyism and intended to cling onto it for dear life until retirement. He was not, in other words, the kind of man I entirely trusted. But I was riding a high from giving my tour, so I was open and friendly with him as he asked me about the kinds of extracurricular activities in which I participated.
I told him about the plays in which I’d appeared, and the fun I’d been having in the school’s craft workshop. I jawed on about the writing I was doing, about the college radio. I was in the middle of explaining the work that I was doing in forming a new local chapter of Parents Anonymous when he interrupted me and said, “So . . . most of your extracurriculars are . . . artistic?”
I blinked a couple of times and started to say that a self-help group for abusive or potentially abusive parents wasn’t really considered the fine arts.
He interrupted me again, though. “But most of your activities . . . would you say they were. . . .” He lifted his head, gave me a sidelong look, and then repeated himself. “. . . artistic?”
There was something in the man’s tone that arrested my volubility. Insinuation poisoned the word. He said it as if he were saying syphilitic. I hadn’t really thought about the reasons this particular staff member might have for wanting to talk to me. But suddenly I was wary, and very much alive to the possibility that it wasn’t something good. “I suppose,” I conceded.
“You don’t play in intramural sports?” I shook my head. “No? Not even tag football? Lacrosse? Basketball? Soccer? No? You don’t belong to a fraternity?”
No, I hadn’t done any of those things. Privately, I thought they sounded deeply unappealing.
“This brings me to something we want to say, then,” said the man, leaning forward. He clutched one fist with his hand, and smiled in a falsely convivial, chummy manner. “We’ve decided this year that we need to go in a . . . new direction . . . with our campus tour guides. We really don’t find that someone artistic is a good representation of what William and Mary is all about.” I sat there, stunned, and didn’t say a word. He repeated himself in different ways. “You see, a fellow who’s artistic like yourself just isn’t a positive representative for the campus. The college doesn’t really want anyone artistic to represent it. It’s embarrassing for the college if prospects think all our students are artistic.”
I looked dead into the eyes of this man, and realized exactly what he was telling me: You’re obviously a god-damned queer. We don’t want a queer representing the College of William and Mary. My awakening to his true meaning froze me. This man, who represented everything I disliked about about smug, self-satisfied, white, male, heterosexual, small-town, Southern America was not only letting me go from a job into which I’d poured hours of volunteer time and outright passion, but he was enjoying every moment. He licked his lips and did it with relish.
So I sat there, and stared at him, and kept my exterior perfectly composed and unruffled while inside, every emergency siren blared at full blast. Never before in my life had I been called out and derided for my sexuality. Never before had I been denied anything because of who I was. This is the way things are, son, I understood the man was telling me. I get to make the rules, and I’ll kick disgusting lowlife homosexshuls like you straight to the curb. Every damn chance I get. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
It was a shock that, to this day, still feels like a knife to the chest.
When the noise in my head cleared, I heard the man trying to make the blow sound like he was doing me a favor. “It’s your senior year, anyway,” he was saying. “You don’t want to be doing something like working for the admissions office. You’ve got plans to make. Things to do.” Things that don’t include dirtying up my office, faggot, I understood him to mean, very clearly.
I stood up, smiled, nodded, and walked out of Admissions. I hadn’t even reached the front stoop before I had taken the experience, packed it away in a heavily-insulated box, and stored it in a dark place. I’d examine it later, I told myself. Later, when it didn’t hurt as much, I’d think about it.
I didn’t know it would take me twenty-nine years.
Nor did I know that even at that distance, when it was just me and a voice recorder and a friendly, listening stranger, in a silent room on a sunny summer’s afternoon in Manhattan, the memory still would slice and throb.
Even though I absolutely refused to examine my dismissal, or even acknowledge to myself why it had happened, the meeting still had consequences. I went home that afternoon to my inhospitable dorm room, looked around, and marched right out again to the student life office to request that I be transferred to a single. Once I moved, I withdrew for the rest of the year—withdrew from boundaries of the college itself to a remote off-campus dorm where I could shut the door to my single room and no one would have to see me. I withdrew from the theater department and dropped my double major. I basically dropped all my extracurriculars. One month into my senior year, I was already making plans to disengage and depart.
If someone from William and Mary’s Alumni House were to ask me why I’ve never attended a homecoming or a class reunion, I’d have a glib answer—it just wasn’t really my thing. I lived too far away. If someone asked me why I’d never once contributed to any of the college’s capital campaigns or fundraising efforts, I’d tell them that I’d worked too closely with a university development office for years to see the campaigns as anything more than shaking down the alumni . . . or that I’m cheap. If they’d asked why I didn’t submit updates to the class notes of the alumni magazine, or why I hadn’t attended any of the regional alumni auction events or meetings, I’d have replied that I simply wasn’t a joiner.
But the fact of the matter is this: I’ve never done any of those things because I had been told—at an institutional level—that the College of William and Mary wanted no truck with my kind. The college had looked into my eyes, licked its lips, and informed me that under no circumstances did I represent what they stood for. Even though I refused to examine or revisit that encounter in the admissions office, all my knee-jerk instincts to keep the college at arm’s length, to disassociate myself from my classmates and my fellow alumni, date back to that afternoon. They date back to the moment that a university official told me that I could no longer do something I loved, simply because he suspected I was gay, and simply because he didn’t like gays.
I know the college these days would have absolutely no problem taking my gay dollars. But I’m sorry—my resentment is still too strong.
Sometimes it seems one learns more about a thing in its absence, than when it’s up close and present. Detroit was like that. I understood more about Detroit and the midwest and its toxic, insular small-mindedness upon moving away than I did during the twenty-five years I was there. Likewise, when I left college, I realized how very narrow-minded and suffocated was Williamsburg, and that there was a vast world out there that didn’t share its ultra-conservative values. As Eric remarked to me, William and Mary was saltpeter to the soul; I discovered that leaving it and discovering new perspectives was the antidote.
The point I really wanted to make in my oral history was that when I left William and Mary, feeling beaten down and dispirited in a way I hadn’t when I’d entered it, I could never have imagined for myself the life that I’ve had since. I couldn’t have envisioned meeting within a mere five years the man with whom I’ve spent the last nearly quarter-century. I couldn’t have predicted how smoothly I’d come out. I would never have even fantasized about the then-unimaginable prospect that I’d be legally married or have the ability to file a joint federal income tax return. When I left college, it was with a conviction that if anything good happened to me in my life, it would be in spite of my sexuality—not alongside it, or because of it.
If anything, I’ve lived the last three decades so fully just to spite my alma mater. But damn. What rich and colorful and wonderful decades they’ve been.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
A Single Hippo in Possession of a Good Fortune
Nintendo marketed the original version of Animal Crossing as a 'communication game.' By which it meant that it's one of the only games around in which you're expected to write people letters. Long, meaningful letters. Usually with gifts attached.
I do so grudgingly at times, because frankly, in my little town, the villagers already seem to regard me not only as some kind of unpaid courier who's there to ferry T-shirts and oddball tchotchkes between each other, but also as a maid who's expected to bring them fruit on demand, clean up the messes they leave in the middle of the town square (not that kind of mess . . . the animal villagers are house-trained, after all), and finance the rebuilding of the whole town out of what they apparently imagine is a bottomless bank account. Never MIND that I'm in illegal indentured servitude over my mortgage to real estate mogul and local representative of the one percent, Tom Nook.
Having to sit down at the end of the day and write these ingrates actual correspondence is sometimes a little beyond the pale.
But when Hippeux the Hippopotamus moved into town, I dutifully penned him a little note welcoming him and suggesting we get a beer and a burger sometime and check out the local babes. I should have suspected something was up when, a week later, he cornered me by the garden store, pulled out the letter from the breast pocket of his natty brown suit coat (the hamburger-print stationery was still pristine), and quietly asked if I remembered sending it.
He was going to cherish my first letter forever, he confided.
Uh-oh, I thought to myself. I gots me a stalker.
Then I sent Hippeux a piece of furniture in my mail. I don't even remember what. I think it was a candy jar. It had fallen out of some tree branches—you know, the way furniture does—and I wasn't going to use it. I like pawning off my trash on the other villagers to make them think I'm magnanimous. (Which, come to think, is probably why they're so willing to make me spend hundreds of thousands to finance a bridge infrastructure project on my very own.) I got this letter back from him.
Now, I've had villagers with—shall we say—sexualities outside the mainstream, before. Back in my original Animal Crossing village, Alfonso the Alligator would make a lot of shy requests for me to visit the local store and pick up a ream of stationery and a shovel and oh, if I happened to see a size twelve pink dress, maybe one of those, too. Let's just say I wasn't fooled. Alfonso would accept my smuggled gifts and we'd say no more about them until a couple of weeks later, when he'd cough and whisper that if I was at the store, he wouldn't "mind" if I bought him a pair of floral clam-diggers, or a Lily Pulitzer-styled muumuu, or a chic little black dress . . . for his "girlfriend," of course, who lived in "another village," probably in "Canada."
I never had any indication that Alfonso was into guys, and hey. What a single, tax-paying alligator wants to do behind closed doors is none of my business, right? But Hippeux's note was a different matter. I mean, talk about unsubtle. The floral stationery? I mean, that stuff was even perfume scented. To my beloved Manny? Seriously? I can't say I'd mind dot dot dot?
Sweet Jesus, hippo. Why not just ask me if I'd like to come watch your Will & Grace season four DVDs with you?
I wrote Hippeux back. I didn't save the letter because I thought I was being firm. Getting my point across, that is. I told him I was flattered and all that, but I was just getting out of a relationship, and had moved to the village to learn what it was like to be single again, and free to shake whatever trees struck my fancy.
I felt sure he'd understand.
This morning I fired up my game. My mailbox was blinking. I found this note inside.
For a minute, I was actually shocked and all, Damn, how'd he get a glimpse of my pane? I keep my blinds closed after dark! But then I re-read it, got what he meant, and was touched. I mean, gosh. How many guys get a local admirer—and Hippeux's not really bad-looking or anything . . . just a little more mature, shall we say, than a wisp of a lad like myself—who write letters of such lyricism and poetry? Our interactions had been few, but during those times our hands had briefly touched when I forked over the pop-eyed goldfish he'd requested . . . had he really seen into my soul? I had to know.
Maybe I overplayed my hand a little. I don't know. Our generation gap was extreme—would he even know who Lady Gaga was? Should I have gone with Barbra Streisand? Judy Garland? Lillie Langtree? But I steeled myself and left the mail with Pelly at the village center. Then I strolled into the clothing emporium and haberdashery of the Able Sisters, thinking that maybe I might find a change of underwear or something. I said hello to the ladies, and had scarcely been in the shop for ten seconds when I heard the bell tinkle over the door as someone strolled in.
Guess who it happened to be?
Coincidence? I think not. Awkwardness in the umbrella aisle!
Oh, Hippeux. I thought we were beyond feeling each other out with "code." Of course I'm "fashionable" and know all about the "latest looks." You might even say I'm "artistic." But we're not all "flamboyant," you know.
Um, no. Frankly, I thought Hippeux was audacious enough, without leopard print or gold lamé or a goddamned feather boa. We're not back in the days of Wayland Flowers and Madame, dude.
I made an embarrassed escape, but damn. Hippeux was determined to corner me. I was standing by the cliffs looking over the beach later in the day when I felt a hand on my upper arm. His touch was as gentle as his voice in my ear.
Readers, it is time for a confession. At his question, my pulse quickened. All I could do was look into those fierce green nostrils and feel the heat of his grass and water-plant-scented breath upon my neck. Had I secretly hoped for this moment? Had I donned my best Thurston Howell the Third drag hoping that he would find me? My poor girlish brain was too aflutter to plumb the depth of all the questions racing through it. "Why?" I heard myself asking aloud. "Why me?"
Oh. Of course. We were out in public. I might be a worldly fellow, but Hippeux obviously saved his passions for behind closed doors. "Decorating ideas." Wink wink. Nudge nudge.
Okay, I told him. Visit me at five. "Don't be late," I murmured, with a come-hither look in my eye, and the faintest trace of promise upon my quivering lips.
Five o'clock came. On the dot, I heard a knock at the door.
I cleared my throat, checked my reflection in the glossy ebony of my grand piano, and answered the door.
Crafting? What the heck was he going on about? Was it slang? For something dirty? Or wait—dude, I'm not really up on all that old-school lingo. He was going to be asking me about the hanky code next. I made my way over to the wall, pretending I wanted to show him my antique clock. But he cornered me and came right to the point.
I blushed like a schoolgirl. My face turned red. Yes, Hippeux. I knew who to call Just think how great that would be, dot dot dot.
To conceal my embarrassment, I walked over to the piano and played the first movement from Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 14 in C-sharp minor, Opus 27, No. 2. Yes, the "Moonlight Sonata." I just happened to have the music sitting on the rack. At the conclusion, Hippeux applauded wildly.
"Oh, that old thing," I said modestly, cracking my knuckles. "'Twas nothing."
Hippeux moved in. For a moment, I thought he was going to reach for my long, sensitive pianist's hands.
Oh, Hippeux. I feel the same about you. Truly! If only I could express everything I felt at that moment! I blossomed with a sweet and tentative smile. Then he moved in for the kill.
DAMN, DUDE! WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THE SEX DUNGEON?
Um, that is—goodness gracious, Hippeux, whatever in the world could you possibly be implying?! Did the carpenters say something? God damn it. I paid them extra to keep their mouths shut. There are all kinds of reasons a single gentleman living alone might want sturdy hooks installed in his ceiling! Maybe I cure my own meats!
His eyes bore into mine with meaning. I couldn't lie to him any longer. He would keep my passions confidential. I could tell he was discreet. Slowly I led him upstairs, to the room that no one among my villagers had seen.
And then he left me alone with the warm memories of his kind words, his gentle glances, and the lingering scent of Old Spice Denali Body Wash and Deodorant.
I think I may have met the sweetest guy in the entire Animal Crossing kingdom.
I do so grudgingly at times, because frankly, in my little town, the villagers already seem to regard me not only as some kind of unpaid courier who's there to ferry T-shirts and oddball tchotchkes between each other, but also as a maid who's expected to bring them fruit on demand, clean up the messes they leave in the middle of the town square (not that kind of mess . . . the animal villagers are house-trained, after all), and finance the rebuilding of the whole town out of what they apparently imagine is a bottomless bank account. Never MIND that I'm in illegal indentured servitude over my mortgage to real estate mogul and local representative of the one percent, Tom Nook.
Having to sit down at the end of the day and write these ingrates actual correspondence is sometimes a little beyond the pale.
But when Hippeux the Hippopotamus moved into town, I dutifully penned him a little note welcoming him and suggesting we get a beer and a burger sometime and check out the local babes. I should have suspected something was up when, a week later, he cornered me by the garden store, pulled out the letter from the breast pocket of his natty brown suit coat (the hamburger-print stationery was still pristine), and quietly asked if I remembered sending it.
He was going to cherish my first letter forever, he confided.
Uh-oh, I thought to myself. I gots me a stalker.
Then I sent Hippeux a piece of furniture in my mail. I don't even remember what. I think it was a candy jar. It had fallen out of some tree branches—you know, the way furniture does—and I wasn't going to use it. I like pawning off my trash on the other villagers to make them think I'm magnanimous. (Which, come to think, is probably why they're so willing to make me spend hundreds of thousands to finance a bridge infrastructure project on my very own.) I got this letter back from him.
Now, I've had villagers with—shall we say—sexualities outside the mainstream, before. Back in my original Animal Crossing village, Alfonso the Alligator would make a lot of shy requests for me to visit the local store and pick up a ream of stationery and a shovel and oh, if I happened to see a size twelve pink dress, maybe one of those, too. Let's just say I wasn't fooled. Alfonso would accept my smuggled gifts and we'd say no more about them until a couple of weeks later, when he'd cough and whisper that if I was at the store, he wouldn't "mind" if I bought him a pair of floral clam-diggers, or a Lily Pulitzer-styled muumuu, or a chic little black dress . . . for his "girlfriend," of course, who lived in "another village," probably in "Canada."
I never had any indication that Alfonso was into guys, and hey. What a single, tax-paying alligator wants to do behind closed doors is none of my business, right? But Hippeux's note was a different matter. I mean, talk about unsubtle. The floral stationery? I mean, that stuff was even perfume scented. To my beloved Manny? Seriously? I can't say I'd mind dot dot dot?
Sweet Jesus, hippo. Why not just ask me if I'd like to come watch your Will & Grace season four DVDs with you?
I wrote Hippeux back. I didn't save the letter because I thought I was being firm. Getting my point across, that is. I told him I was flattered and all that, but I was just getting out of a relationship, and had moved to the village to learn what it was like to be single again, and free to shake whatever trees struck my fancy.
I felt sure he'd understand.
This morning I fired up my game. My mailbox was blinking. I found this note inside.
For a minute, I was actually shocked and all, Damn, how'd he get a glimpse of my pane? I keep my blinds closed after dark! But then I re-read it, got what he meant, and was touched. I mean, gosh. How many guys get a local admirer—and Hippeux's not really bad-looking or anything . . . just a little more mature, shall we say, than a wisp of a lad like myself—who write letters of such lyricism and poetry? Our interactions had been few, but during those times our hands had briefly touched when I forked over the pop-eyed goldfish he'd requested . . . had he really seen into my soul? I had to know.
Maybe I overplayed my hand a little. I don't know. Our generation gap was extreme—would he even know who Lady Gaga was? Should I have gone with Barbra Streisand? Judy Garland? Lillie Langtree? But I steeled myself and left the mail with Pelly at the village center. Then I strolled into the clothing emporium and haberdashery of the Able Sisters, thinking that maybe I might find a change of underwear or something. I said hello to the ladies, and had scarcely been in the shop for ten seconds when I heard the bell tinkle over the door as someone strolled in.
Guess who it happened to be?
Coincidence? I think not. Awkwardness in the umbrella aisle!
Oh, Hippeux. I thought we were beyond feeling each other out with "code." Of course I'm "fashionable" and know all about the "latest looks." You might even say I'm "artistic." But we're not all "flamboyant," you know.
Um, no. Frankly, I thought Hippeux was audacious enough, without leopard print or gold lamé or a goddamned feather boa. We're not back in the days of Wayland Flowers and Madame, dude.
I made an embarrassed escape, but damn. Hippeux was determined to corner me. I was standing by the cliffs looking over the beach later in the day when I felt a hand on my upper arm. His touch was as gentle as his voice in my ear.
Readers, it is time for a confession. At his question, my pulse quickened. All I could do was look into those fierce green nostrils and feel the heat of his grass and water-plant-scented breath upon my neck. Had I secretly hoped for this moment? Had I donned my best Thurston Howell the Third drag hoping that he would find me? My poor girlish brain was too aflutter to plumb the depth of all the questions racing through it. "Why?" I heard myself asking aloud. "Why me?"
Oh. Of course. We were out in public. I might be a worldly fellow, but Hippeux obviously saved his passions for behind closed doors. "Decorating ideas." Wink wink. Nudge nudge.
Okay, I told him. Visit me at five. "Don't be late," I murmured, with a come-hither look in my eye, and the faintest trace of promise upon my quivering lips.
Five o'clock came. On the dot, I heard a knock at the door.
I cleared my throat, checked my reflection in the glossy ebony of my grand piano, and answered the door.
Crafting? What the heck was he going on about? Was it slang? For something dirty? Or wait—dude, I'm not really up on all that old-school lingo. He was going to be asking me about the hanky code next. I made my way over to the wall, pretending I wanted to show him my antique clock. But he cornered me and came right to the point.
I blushed like a schoolgirl. My face turned red. Yes, Hippeux. I knew who to call Just think how great that would be, dot dot dot.
To conceal my embarrassment, I walked over to the piano and played the first movement from Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 14 in C-sharp minor, Opus 27, No. 2. Yes, the "Moonlight Sonata." I just happened to have the music sitting on the rack. At the conclusion, Hippeux applauded wildly.
"Oh, that old thing," I said modestly, cracking my knuckles. "'Twas nothing."
Hippeux moved in. For a moment, I thought he was going to reach for my long, sensitive pianist's hands.
Oh, Hippeux. I feel the same about you. Truly! If only I could express everything I felt at that moment! I blossomed with a sweet and tentative smile. Then he moved in for the kill.
DAMN, DUDE! WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THE SEX DUNGEON?
Um, that is—goodness gracious, Hippeux, whatever in the world could you possibly be implying?! Did the carpenters say something? God damn it. I paid them extra to keep their mouths shut. There are all kinds of reasons a single gentleman living alone might want sturdy hooks installed in his ceiling! Maybe I cure my own meats!
His eyes bore into mine with meaning. I couldn't lie to him any longer. He would keep my passions confidential. I could tell he was discreet. Slowly I led him upstairs, to the room that no one among my villagers had seen.
My heart leapt. But please. Don't toy with me, Hippeux. Not in front of the anatomical model.
He seemed to understand my embarrassment. Maybe he sensed he had moved too swiftly, too soon. He led me back downstairs again and stood in front of the door, obviously intending to take his leave. He took a step forward, and said, in words that reeked of intimacy and longing:
I think I may have met the sweetest guy in the entire Animal Crossing kingdom.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Knitting Duh-rama!
The name of Knit in Public Day has, I think, an unfortunate tendency to imply that knitting is something shameful—a hobby best indulged behind closed doors, in private, and away from the scrutiny of polite gentlefolk. It somehow manages simultaneously to equate yarn work with both self abuse and the act of scarfing down cake frosting directly from the can with one’s fingers. But my monthly mostly men’s knitting group had participated in the June Knit in Public Day last year, and had enjoyed themselves immensely, so I agreed to join them and make an afternoon of it, my reputation as a genteel indoors private knitter be damned.
The event took place on the upper terrace of Bryant Park, right in the rear shadow of the main building of the New York Public Library. During the summers the terrace is shady and cool and dappled with both the waving branches of the London planetrees and the reflected surfaces of hundreds of windows along 42nd and 40th Streets. My knitting group arrived early so that we could congregate in roughly the same area and share the food we’d agreed to bring. We managed to grab a number of tables and chairs beneath the terrace umbrellas and stake our claim shortly before another hundred and fifty or more knitters from across the city filled in around us.
It was a gorgeous day. The temperature hovered in the lower seventies. The sun was brilliant and warm, the sky sapphire. It was just one of those perfect late spring afternoons that never seems to end, on which time ambles at its own leisurely pace, dilly-dallying in the sunshine and lingering on in the memory like a good dream. On the tables lay food enough to feed a small battalion, and all around them, in irregular clusters, sat good people unabashedly knitting. In public, no less. I’d never seen a more peaceful and unspoiled scene.
Until the Canadians invaded, that is. It was, as my knitting friend Kody later noted, “They infiltrated and took over before anyone knew what had happened! They’re like, aliens! Canadians are like, fucking body snatchers, man!”
What happened was this.
Kody and his puggle, Charlie, were sitting to my right; Kody and I were taking turns watering the dog and making sure he was happily supplied with veggie bacon-covered dried bananas treats. (I was tempted to snack on them myself.) Someone had been sitting in the two chairs to my left, but had abandoned them to join friends elsewhere. Almost the minute they’d been vacated, a young woman in her twenties sidled up. “I don’t have any friends here,” she said. “Would it be okay if I sat next to you guys?”
“Of course!” said Kody.
“We’ll be your friends,” I told her warmly.
I asked a few friendly questions as she set down her knitting bag and purse. She was from Canada—Alberta. “The boring part of Canada.” She was working in New York City for a four-year term, and had only been living there eight months of that. I asked how long she’d been knitting. “Oh, only four or five months,” she said.
Immediately I felt protective of this poor Canadian fledgling. I got her one of the bottles of water that Kody had provided for the group; I got her a paper plate with a sandwich and carrot sticks and one of my Hello Dolly bars. When she asked if we minded if her non-knitting sister joined us, I found another chair and made sure she had room and refreshment. I was determined, on such a beautiful afternoon and in such a serene urban setting, that no one was going to feel left out of Knit in Public Day. Especially two wholesome and innocent Canadian girls.
I thought it was odd, a few minutes later, though, when the non-knitting sister pulled out some kind of audio recording device and started to conduct an interview with the knitter—who had finally pulled out the project she was working on, which was quite a large and complex sweater worked at an exceedingly fine gauge. All I could do was look at the sweater sleeve I was halfway up, which in comparison looked like it had been knitted out of fisherman’s rope by two restaurant chopsticks . . . in the dark, by someone cross-eyed . . . and think to myself, Holy crap, and she’s only been knitting for four months??
Kody and I both watched with interest while the knitting sister made a rambling monologue about how there she was in Bryant Park at Knit in Public Day. Once they’d shut off the recording device, Kody asked, “What was all that about?”
“Are you with the CBC?” I wanted to know.
The girl laughed and said no, she and her sister had a knitting podcast. Opinions about yarn and patterns, and some knitting-related variety acts thrown in. I was simultaneously trying to think of what knitting variety acts could be (tap-dancing while knitting? Walking a tightrope of Vanna White-brand yarn?) while thinking to myself, Gee, a podcast is awfully ambitious for someone who’s only been knitting for four months, when she pulled out a professionally-printed card with her name, her podcast’s name, and her website’s address on it, and handed to me. I blinked, and Kody’s eyes narrowed, when with artful slight of hand she pulled from nowhere an entire stack of identical business cards a couple of inches thick, gave half to her sister, kept the other half for herself, and then asked us to watch her things while they both blended into the knitting crowd, passing them out to everyone.
The organizer of the event, the Asian owner of a yarn store named Knitty City, passed by while they were making their rounds. She spotted the Canadian girl’s sweater-in-progress lying on her chair. “How exquisite,” she commented. “The stitches are amazingly even. Is it yours?”
I told her that no, it wasn’t. “The woman it belongs to has only been knitting for four or five months.”
The Knitty City owner laughed as if I’d told her a delicious witticism, dabbed at my shoulder to suggest I not pull her leg any longer, and moved on.
Kody shook his head at me. “You don’t still believe that blatant lie, do you?”, he asked.
“But she said. . . .”
“Sweetie,” he said, patting my leg with mixed pity and condescension. “Mark my words. Those women are not what they seem.”
He was right on that count. The pair of them took a very, very long time to return to the seats we were saving. A few minutes later, the next thing I knew, the knitting sister was standing up on a chair in the middle of the upper terrace and making an impromptu speech thanking the owner of Knitty City for pulling the event together, and then announcing that the non-singing sister, who happened to be a cabaret artist, would be singing a few selections from her cabaret act. Songs about knitting, specifically. And oh, if anyone liked what they heard, they could buy the CD for only ten dollars. Then with a pleasant voice she launched into the Glenn Miller song called “Knit One, Purl Two.”
I looked at Kody. His jaw had dropped. Beside him, Charlie was panting, but his tail wasn’t wagging. “I told you,” Kody said. “See? Those bitches have hijacked this event.”
“Now, now,” I said.
“They came in all, Oh, we have no friends here! We don’t know anyone! And now look at them. They have hijacked the whole event, Vance.”
“I don’t think. . . .”
“Oh, we don’t know how to knit! Bullshit.”
“Well,” I said, trying not to concede the point entirely—though I was tempted to agree. “To see an opportunity and take advantage of it takes. . . .”
“Cunning, guile, and a criminal degree of anti-social behavior?” Kody suggested.
“. . . chutzpah?” is what I lamely finished with.
“Hmfph,” is how Kody replied, as he flounced back into his seat and started purling furiously at his scarf.
A dozen songs and several sold CDs later, the sisters returned. Kody glared at them. “Nice singing,” I said to the non-knitting sister. “Really good job.”
“Your hat has a hole in it,” said the knitting sister to Kody, apropos of nothing. Kody was wearing a knit cap from which, he told me later, Charlie had taken a substantial bite at the crown.
“Yais,” he said, more starchy than Queen Elizabeth watching Fergie turn somersaults. “I am aware.”
“Did you make it yourself?” she asked. I couldn’t tell whether she’d picked up on his coldness and was trying to warm him up, or what.
“In-deed ’tis,” he replied in flinty syllables.
“You did not,” she said. “It has a seam.”
Kody took off the hat, turned it inside out, and icily intoned, “Yes, it does. It is a seamed pattern. It was the first hat I ever made and my mother seamed it for me. Would you like for me to give you her phone number in Utah so that you can call her and CHECK UP ON ME?” His voice rose a little. “Any other questions? Oh yes, I have questions. Who are you people, for one? You come in here all innocence and hijack the event, and then you dare to question whether I knitted my own cap? Why yes, I knitted my own cap. So who are you people? ARE YOU EVEN CANADIAN?”
Well. The sisters gathered their things and fled, basically.
“And you!” Kody said to me, in their wake. “You’re too trusting! Too nice!”
“That’s possible,” I allowed.
“Don’t you know that Canadians are the enemy? They sent us Jason Priestly!”
“And Celine Dion,” I conceded.
“And Celine Dion!” he repeated, nailing home the point. He shook his head at me as he spread out Charlie’s blanket on the sidewalk. He threw himself down on it and began knitting furiously on his back, while his shirt rode up. He started grumbling to himself, sounding more like a dissatisfied dog than Charlie. “. . . Canadian terrorists,” he mumbled. “Blending in, taking over.”
“I just didn’t know knitting in public could lead to such drama,” I said to him.
He waved his needles at me sternly. “Just promise me you’ll beware the Canadians,” he ordered. “They’re never up to any good.”
The event took place on the upper terrace of Bryant Park, right in the rear shadow of the main building of the New York Public Library. During the summers the terrace is shady and cool and dappled with both the waving branches of the London planetrees and the reflected surfaces of hundreds of windows along 42nd and 40th Streets. My knitting group arrived early so that we could congregate in roughly the same area and share the food we’d agreed to bring. We managed to grab a number of tables and chairs beneath the terrace umbrellas and stake our claim shortly before another hundred and fifty or more knitters from across the city filled in around us.
It was a gorgeous day. The temperature hovered in the lower seventies. The sun was brilliant and warm, the sky sapphire. It was just one of those perfect late spring afternoons that never seems to end, on which time ambles at its own leisurely pace, dilly-dallying in the sunshine and lingering on in the memory like a good dream. On the tables lay food enough to feed a small battalion, and all around them, in irregular clusters, sat good people unabashedly knitting. In public, no less. I’d never seen a more peaceful and unspoiled scene.
Until the Canadians invaded, that is. It was, as my knitting friend Kody later noted, “They infiltrated and took over before anyone knew what had happened! They’re like, aliens! Canadians are like, fucking body snatchers, man!”
What happened was this.
Kody and his puggle, Charlie, were sitting to my right; Kody and I were taking turns watering the dog and making sure he was happily supplied with veggie bacon-covered dried bananas treats. (I was tempted to snack on them myself.) Someone had been sitting in the two chairs to my left, but had abandoned them to join friends elsewhere. Almost the minute they’d been vacated, a young woman in her twenties sidled up. “I don’t have any friends here,” she said. “Would it be okay if I sat next to you guys?”
“Of course!” said Kody.
“We’ll be your friends,” I told her warmly.
I asked a few friendly questions as she set down her knitting bag and purse. She was from Canada—Alberta. “The boring part of Canada.” She was working in New York City for a four-year term, and had only been living there eight months of that. I asked how long she’d been knitting. “Oh, only four or five months,” she said.
Immediately I felt protective of this poor Canadian fledgling. I got her one of the bottles of water that Kody had provided for the group; I got her a paper plate with a sandwich and carrot sticks and one of my Hello Dolly bars. When she asked if we minded if her non-knitting sister joined us, I found another chair and made sure she had room and refreshment. I was determined, on such a beautiful afternoon and in such a serene urban setting, that no one was going to feel left out of Knit in Public Day. Especially two wholesome and innocent Canadian girls.
I thought it was odd, a few minutes later, though, when the non-knitting sister pulled out some kind of audio recording device and started to conduct an interview with the knitter—who had finally pulled out the project she was working on, which was quite a large and complex sweater worked at an exceedingly fine gauge. All I could do was look at the sweater sleeve I was halfway up, which in comparison looked like it had been knitted out of fisherman’s rope by two restaurant chopsticks . . . in the dark, by someone cross-eyed . . . and think to myself, Holy crap, and she’s only been knitting for four months??
Kody and I both watched with interest while the knitting sister made a rambling monologue about how there she was in Bryant Park at Knit in Public Day. Once they’d shut off the recording device, Kody asked, “What was all that about?”
“Are you with the CBC?” I wanted to know.
The girl laughed and said no, she and her sister had a knitting podcast. Opinions about yarn and patterns, and some knitting-related variety acts thrown in. I was simultaneously trying to think of what knitting variety acts could be (tap-dancing while knitting? Walking a tightrope of Vanna White-brand yarn?) while thinking to myself, Gee, a podcast is awfully ambitious for someone who’s only been knitting for four months, when she pulled out a professionally-printed card with her name, her podcast’s name, and her website’s address on it, and handed to me. I blinked, and Kody’s eyes narrowed, when with artful slight of hand she pulled from nowhere an entire stack of identical business cards a couple of inches thick, gave half to her sister, kept the other half for herself, and then asked us to watch her things while they both blended into the knitting crowd, passing them out to everyone.
The organizer of the event, the Asian owner of a yarn store named Knitty City, passed by while they were making their rounds. She spotted the Canadian girl’s sweater-in-progress lying on her chair. “How exquisite,” she commented. “The stitches are amazingly even. Is it yours?”
I told her that no, it wasn’t. “The woman it belongs to has only been knitting for four or five months.”
The Knitty City owner laughed as if I’d told her a delicious witticism, dabbed at my shoulder to suggest I not pull her leg any longer, and moved on.
Kody shook his head at me. “You don’t still believe that blatant lie, do you?”, he asked.
“But she said. . . .”
“Sweetie,” he said, patting my leg with mixed pity and condescension. “Mark my words. Those women are not what they seem.”
He was right on that count. The pair of them took a very, very long time to return to the seats we were saving. A few minutes later, the next thing I knew, the knitting sister was standing up on a chair in the middle of the upper terrace and making an impromptu speech thanking the owner of Knitty City for pulling the event together, and then announcing that the non-singing sister, who happened to be a cabaret artist, would be singing a few selections from her cabaret act. Songs about knitting, specifically. And oh, if anyone liked what they heard, they could buy the CD for only ten dollars. Then with a pleasant voice she launched into the Glenn Miller song called “Knit One, Purl Two.”
I looked at Kody. His jaw had dropped. Beside him, Charlie was panting, but his tail wasn’t wagging. “I told you,” Kody said. “See? Those bitches have hijacked this event.”
“Now, now,” I said.
“They came in all, Oh, we have no friends here! We don’t know anyone! And now look at them. They have hijacked the whole event, Vance.”
“I don’t think. . . .”
“Oh, we don’t know how to knit! Bullshit.”
“Well,” I said, trying not to concede the point entirely—though I was tempted to agree. “To see an opportunity and take advantage of it takes. . . .”
“Cunning, guile, and a criminal degree of anti-social behavior?” Kody suggested.
“. . . chutzpah?” is what I lamely finished with.
“Hmfph,” is how Kody replied, as he flounced back into his seat and started purling furiously at his scarf.
A dozen songs and several sold CDs later, the sisters returned. Kody glared at them. “Nice singing,” I said to the non-knitting sister. “Really good job.”
“Your hat has a hole in it,” said the knitting sister to Kody, apropos of nothing. Kody was wearing a knit cap from which, he told me later, Charlie had taken a substantial bite at the crown.
“Yais,” he said, more starchy than Queen Elizabeth watching Fergie turn somersaults. “I am aware.”
“Did you make it yourself?” she asked. I couldn’t tell whether she’d picked up on his coldness and was trying to warm him up, or what.
“In-deed ’tis,” he replied in flinty syllables.
“You did not,” she said. “It has a seam.”
Kody took off the hat, turned it inside out, and icily intoned, “Yes, it does. It is a seamed pattern. It was the first hat I ever made and my mother seamed it for me. Would you like for me to give you her phone number in Utah so that you can call her and CHECK UP ON ME?” His voice rose a little. “Any other questions? Oh yes, I have questions. Who are you people, for one? You come in here all innocence and hijack the event, and then you dare to question whether I knitted my own cap? Why yes, I knitted my own cap. So who are you people? ARE YOU EVEN CANADIAN?”
Well. The sisters gathered their things and fled, basically.
“And you!” Kody said to me, in their wake. “You’re too trusting! Too nice!”
“That’s possible,” I allowed.
“Don’t you know that Canadians are the enemy? They sent us Jason Priestly!”
“And Celine Dion,” I conceded.
“And Celine Dion!” he repeated, nailing home the point. He shook his head at me as he spread out Charlie’s blanket on the sidewalk. He threw himself down on it and began knitting furiously on his back, while his shirt rode up. He started grumbling to himself, sounding more like a dissatisfied dog than Charlie. “. . . Canadian terrorists,” he mumbled. “Blending in, taking over.”
“I just didn’t know knitting in public could lead to such drama,” I said to him.
He waved his needles at me sternly. “Just promise me you’ll beware the Canadians,” he ordered. “They’re never up to any good.”
Friday, May 10, 2013
Conversations With My Father: The Disappointments of Surry Edition
MY FATHER: They opened up one of those stores out here.
ME: Oh, good. I was wondering when they were going to open one of those stores. [Massive pause.] Are you perhaps eventually going to tell me which one of those stores you’re talking about?
MY FATHER: The fancy one.
ME: Neiman Marcus?
MY FATHER: The fancy frozen foods one.
ME [mouthing the words]: The fancy frozen foods one?
MY FATHER: The one with all the fancy frozen foods.
ME [mystified]: The one with all the fancy frozen foods?
MY FATHER: It has frozen foods, and it’s fancy.
ME: Gordon’s?
MY FATHER: Nooooo. Gawrsh. The fancy frozen food store near your old house.
ME: Fancy frozen foods near my old house? I don’t . . . Omaha Steaks?
MY FATHER: No. . . .
ME: I don’t know. . . .
MY FATHER: Why don’t you call up Surry and ask?
ME: Surry? Surry, Virginia? Is that where the store is?
MY FATHER [staring at me as if I’m an idiot]: Why in the world would you call up Surry, Virginia?
ME: That’s what I want to know!
MY FATHER: It was only a few blocks from your old house, and we walked there. . . .
ME: Surry?
MY FATHER [patiently]: The fancy frozen foods store.
ME: Are you talking about Trader Joe’s?
MY FATHER: That’s what I’ve been saying the entire time.
ME: For one thing, Trader Joe’s is not fancy. It’s less expensive than most supermarkets.
MY FATHER: No, it’s fancy.
ME: And for another, it’s not a frozen foods store.
MY FATHER: Does it have frozen foods?
ME: It has an aisle of frozen foods. Out of several aisles of other non-frozen goods.
MY FATHER: I bet if you had called up Surry. . . .
ME: For the love of god, who is Surry? Who? What? Does it have a fringe on top?
MY FATHER: Surry, your personal assistant. Your phone is full of it.
ME [after a pause]: Are you talking about Siri?!
MY FATHER [sighing]: That’s what I’ve been saying. . . .
ME: . . . the entire time, yes. For one thing, you don’t call up Surry. Siri. You just ask it.
MY FATHER: Well, she would have known.
ME: Would have known what, the name of the fancy frozen food store? No.
MY FATHER: Surry knows everything.
ME: I could ask Siri what the weather would be today, or I could ask Siri to send a text message. I could ask Siri how many ounces are in a cup, or what time a certain movie is, or what seventy percent off of a hundred and thirty-five dollars is. What I cannot do is ask Siri what the name of the fancy frozen food store is.
MY FATHER [reaching for his wallet]: I will make you a dollar bet. . . .
ME: Oh, you are so on. How do you want me to word it? Tell me the name of the fancy frozen food place?
MY FATHER [with disdain]: Not like that. Call her up and say, Hi Siri, can you tell me the name of the fancy store that sells frozen foods?
ME: You don’t have to address Siri by name. But okay.
SIRI: Buh-beep!
ME: Can you tell me the name of the fancy store that sells—?
MY FATHER: In Detroit.
SIRI: Buh-boop.
ME: Are you done? [He nods.]
SIRI: Buh-beep!
ME: What’s the name of the fancy store in Detroit that sells—?
MY FATHER: That has an aisle of fancy frozen foods.
SIRI: Buh-boop.
ME: You can’t keep talking like that.
MY FATHER: Fine! Gawrsh, I didn’t know Surry was so touchy.
SIRI: Buh-beep!
ME [enunciating in a way that would make Henry Higgins proud]: I’d like to know the name of the fancy store in Detroit that has an aisle of fancy frozen foods.
SIRI: I’m sorry . . . Vance. I don’t know about Detroit that has an ocho of Frenchy frozen flus.
ME: HAH!
MY FATHER [handing over the dollar]: She didn’t know the answer?
ME: She failed miserably. Miserably.
MY FATHER [sadly]: Gawrsh. Surry, you let me down.
ME: Oh, good. I was wondering when they were going to open one of those stores. [Massive pause.] Are you perhaps eventually going to tell me which one of those stores you’re talking about?
MY FATHER: The fancy one.
ME: Neiman Marcus?
MY FATHER: The fancy frozen foods one.
ME [mouthing the words]: The fancy frozen foods one?
MY FATHER: The one with all the fancy frozen foods.
ME [mystified]: The one with all the fancy frozen foods?
MY FATHER: It has frozen foods, and it’s fancy.
ME: Gordon’s?
MY FATHER: Nooooo. Gawrsh. The fancy frozen food store near your old house.
ME: Fancy frozen foods near my old house? I don’t . . . Omaha Steaks?
MY FATHER: No. . . .
ME: I don’t know. . . .
MY FATHER: Why don’t you call up Surry and ask?
ME: Surry? Surry, Virginia? Is that where the store is?
MY FATHER [staring at me as if I’m an idiot]: Why in the world would you call up Surry, Virginia?
ME: That’s what I want to know!
MY FATHER: It was only a few blocks from your old house, and we walked there. . . .
ME: Surry?
MY FATHER [patiently]: The fancy frozen foods store.
ME: Are you talking about Trader Joe’s?
MY FATHER: That’s what I’ve been saying the entire time.
ME: For one thing, Trader Joe’s is not fancy. It’s less expensive than most supermarkets.
MY FATHER: No, it’s fancy.
ME: And for another, it’s not a frozen foods store.
MY FATHER: Does it have frozen foods?
ME: It has an aisle of frozen foods. Out of several aisles of other non-frozen goods.
MY FATHER: I bet if you had called up Surry. . . .
ME: For the love of god, who is Surry? Who? What? Does it have a fringe on top?
MY FATHER: Surry, your personal assistant. Your phone is full of it.
ME [after a pause]: Are you talking about Siri?!
MY FATHER [sighing]: That’s what I’ve been saying. . . .
ME: . . . the entire time, yes. For one thing, you don’t call up Surry. Siri. You just ask it.
MY FATHER: Well, she would have known.
ME: Would have known what, the name of the fancy frozen food store? No.
MY FATHER: Surry knows everything.
ME: I could ask Siri what the weather would be today, or I could ask Siri to send a text message. I could ask Siri how many ounces are in a cup, or what time a certain movie is, or what seventy percent off of a hundred and thirty-five dollars is. What I cannot do is ask Siri what the name of the fancy frozen food store is.
MY FATHER [reaching for his wallet]: I will make you a dollar bet. . . .
ME: Oh, you are so on. How do you want me to word it? Tell me the name of the fancy frozen food place?
MY FATHER [with disdain]: Not like that. Call her up and say, Hi Siri, can you tell me the name of the fancy store that sells frozen foods?
ME: You don’t have to address Siri by name. But okay.
SIRI: Buh-beep!
ME: Can you tell me the name of the fancy store that sells—?
MY FATHER: In Detroit.
SIRI: Buh-boop.
ME: Are you done? [He nods.]
SIRI: Buh-beep!
ME: What’s the name of the fancy store in Detroit that sells—?
MY FATHER: That has an aisle of fancy frozen foods.
SIRI: Buh-boop.
ME: You can’t keep talking like that.
MY FATHER: Fine! Gawrsh, I didn’t know Surry was so touchy.
SIRI: Buh-beep!
ME [enunciating in a way that would make Henry Higgins proud]: I’d like to know the name of the fancy store in Detroit that has an aisle of fancy frozen foods.
SIRI: I’m sorry . . . Vance. I don’t know about Detroit that has an ocho of Frenchy frozen flus.
ME: HAH!
MY FATHER [handing over the dollar]: She didn’t know the answer?
ME: She failed miserably. Miserably.
MY FATHER [sadly]: Gawrsh. Surry, you let me down.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
A Real New Yorker
New Yorkers like to talk about one thing: their apartments.
No, New Yorkers like to talk about two things. Their current apartments, and the list of miserable apartments where they used to live before they moved to the adorable and perfect little apartment where they now quite happily reside, even if that amazing bagel shop on the corner got driven out by a freakin’ Starbucks.
Wait. Three things: current apartments (amazing), old apartments (crap heaps), and who they’ve hired to re-do their apartments (expensive and you have to be on his waiting list for three years, but so worth it. Want to see photos? Hang on, let me pull up the album on my smartphone!).
If you’re very, very lucky, you’ll sometimes get away from the topic of apartments and onto the standard fallback talking point—the moment, if they weren’t a native of the city, that they felt like real, honest-to-God New Yorkers.
For some residents it’s a milestone of time. Living in the city for two years, or a decade. For others, the realization of belonging comes from finding a perfect little restaurant, or that one’s favorite places to shop are sprinkled on New York’s complicated grid of streets. It might be comprehending that one has more friends here than elsewhere. It might be that moment, when traveling, when someone asks where one’s from, and the automatic reply is no longer, Well, I grew up in Akron, but I’ve lived in Queens for the last fifteen years…, but instead a short and snappy, I’m from New York City.
I can’t say I’ve had one of those moments myself. Technically, of course, I’m not a New Yorker. I’m in the suburbs, just over the border in Connecticut. I do live remarkably close to the city, though. (My old Detroit friends don’t really understand how close. Here’s a frame of reference. Drive from Birmingham down Woodward until you reach the Detroit River. That’s how far away Manhattan is from my front doorstep.) Close enough that the traffic reports to which I listen are New York City traffic reports. Close enough that the local news is New York City news. The culture in which I live here is New York culture with all of its quirks and bustle and craziness. The city might be a Emerald City-like shimmering outline of skyscrapers across the Long Island Sound from the shores of the beach down the road from me, but it really is the hub of my new universe.
Well, maybe I have had one of those moments. Our friends Maryann and Kim visited Manhattan a couple of weeks ago, from Michigan. They stayed at a nice hotel near Grand Central. For two days Craig and I commuted into the city to show them around. We did Times Square, and took them on a rainy Circle Line tour so they could see the Statue of Liberty. We restaurant-hopped in Hell’s Kitchen. We went down to the September 11 Memorial, and visited Wall Street and tramped around Little Italy and Chinatown. We let them pick a Broadway show to see, and got cheap seats for them. I taught Maryann how to tell where subway cars were likely to stop and open their doors by identifying concentrations of the mashed-down and blackened remains of spat-out chewing gum along the subway platforms. We had, in short, a fine and educational time.
But there was a moment. We were all sitting on the 6 train, meatballs from Little Italy digesting like rocks in our stomachs. There weren’t many people on our car, so we were all slumped in the benches, glad for the opportunity to sit down. At Bleecker Street, the doors slid open. A few people straggled on. One of them was one of those guys who gets on a subway car, makes a speech, tries to collect money, and moves on. Some of them have sob stories to spill and a tin can to shake in people’s faces. Many of them will sing and accept donations, or play an instrument for quick cash. This guy, however, was one of the ones who had something to sell—I don’t remember what, pencils, or newspapers, or buttons or something. I wasn’t really paying attention. All I knew is that his short oration ended with him proffering whatever it was he was hawking, holding out a cup for money, and asking, “So anybody wanna help out the homeless?”
From all around the rattling car there was dead silence. Except for two simultaneous, sweet, angelic women’s voices, both saying very politely and in flat, Midwestern tones, “No, thank you!”
Startled, I turned my head and looked at my friends, who were smiling at the man as if he merited their sweet (if automatic) civility. The rest of us had turned the guy into an invisible, inaudible cipher. They’d actually listened to him. And I thought to myself, man, am I really a different person now. Because three or four years ago, I might’ve been joining in that chirpy chorus of cherubic No thank yous!, too.
It’s not that New Yorkers are rude, or unkind. One of my favorite memories of last year was having a leisurely, fascinating three-hour conversation with a stranger in Central Park. I keep returning to a certain yarn store on the upper west side because not only was the proprietor incredibly friendly and helpful, but an elderly African-American woman from the neighborhood spent twenty minutes there telling me about her philosophy of knitting. I’ve found it infinitely easier to strike up random conversations with strangers here—in a city with a reputation of uptight and rude residents—than in the midwest.
If New Yorkers come across as walled-off and impersonal at first glance, it’s because they—we—live in a limited space in which everything is tightly compacted together. We stand hip to hip on the trains and pretend not to notice. At restaurants, we’re packed into seats like sardines in tins, wedged elbow to elbow. We don’t have privacy here, not in public venues. We don’t have personal space. What we maintain is the polite illusion that, even though there’s a hipster slurping coffee three inches on one side of us and a pair of Asian NYU students chattering loudly three inches on the other, we can have a frank discussion with a friend about hemorrhoids without us losing our dignity or our neighbors their lunch.
I suspect I fit an in-between kind of profile, when I’m out and about in the city. I seem enough like an insider to know my stuff, yet I must seem approachable and not entirely walled-off. In other words, I am the guy who is constantly asked directions by tourists. I am the man who, upon stepping off his train and into the great atrium of Grand Central, will be surrounded by a self-guided Russian tour group askink easiest vay to Ompire State Buildink. I’m the man who, at any subway stop, will be approached by two cute out-of-town chicks to consult which train they should transfer to get to Prospect Park. I’m that guy who will be stopped mid-stride at Seventh Avenue and 48th Street by a family of middle Americans who want to know if I can direct them to Times Square. (At least that one was easy. “Um, see all those video displays and that big crowd of people a block away?”)
I’m pretty sure that the part of me that says Lookit, a real New Yawker! to these people is my brisk pace and my total and remorseless willingness to march in front of tourists attempting to take photos of their honeybears from 25 feet away. (This is New York, people. We don’t have 25 feet to spare you, better Instagram moment or not.) It’s that quality that makes out-of-towners clear a path for me on a busy street, rather than making me step aside. I look like I know where I’m going. I look like I have a place to go. I usually do. Sometimes, though, I’m just looking for a public restroom.
And the approachability thing, I’m pretty sure, is just that I’m the sole semi-local walking down the street and crossing intersections who isn’t fixated on his phone, texting like a madperson.
I’ve given directions for all the major landmarks. Every skyscraper. The Cloisters. The Brooklyn Bridge. Major department stores. The other day, I’d pushed through a subway turnstile and turned to see Craig giving me a shrug clearly intended to convey, Oh, shoot, I don’t have as much money on my MetroCard as I thought, hang on while I add some. During the minute, tops, that I was at a standstill, I gave directions to one confused woman to the Metro North ticket booths in Grand Central, and to Columbus Circle for a post-cougar/pre-retirement home panther wearing an expensive designer dress and a pair of ratty Birkenstocks. So far, I’m happy to say, I’ve never been stumped.
Except once. I was walking somewhere on Fifth Avenue last month when a couple loomed up out of nowhere and asked me how to get to Staten Island. I thought about it. And I thought about it some more. At last I just peered at them, shook my head, and asked plaintively and with a pained expression, “Why?”
Come to think, that’s a moment in which I could’ve considered myself a real New Yorker.
No, New Yorkers like to talk about two things. Their current apartments, and the list of miserable apartments where they used to live before they moved to the adorable and perfect little apartment where they now quite happily reside, even if that amazing bagel shop on the corner got driven out by a freakin’ Starbucks.
Wait. Three things: current apartments (amazing), old apartments (crap heaps), and who they’ve hired to re-do their apartments (expensive and you have to be on his waiting list for three years, but so worth it. Want to see photos? Hang on, let me pull up the album on my smartphone!).
If you’re very, very lucky, you’ll sometimes get away from the topic of apartments and onto the standard fallback talking point—the moment, if they weren’t a native of the city, that they felt like real, honest-to-God New Yorkers.
For some residents it’s a milestone of time. Living in the city for two years, or a decade. For others, the realization of belonging comes from finding a perfect little restaurant, or that one’s favorite places to shop are sprinkled on New York’s complicated grid of streets. It might be comprehending that one has more friends here than elsewhere. It might be that moment, when traveling, when someone asks where one’s from, and the automatic reply is no longer, Well, I grew up in Akron, but I’ve lived in Queens for the last fifteen years…, but instead a short and snappy, I’m from New York City.
I can’t say I’ve had one of those moments myself. Technically, of course, I’m not a New Yorker. I’m in the suburbs, just over the border in Connecticut. I do live remarkably close to the city, though. (My old Detroit friends don’t really understand how close. Here’s a frame of reference. Drive from Birmingham down Woodward until you reach the Detroit River. That’s how far away Manhattan is from my front doorstep.) Close enough that the traffic reports to which I listen are New York City traffic reports. Close enough that the local news is New York City news. The culture in which I live here is New York culture with all of its quirks and bustle and craziness. The city might be a Emerald City-like shimmering outline of skyscrapers across the Long Island Sound from the shores of the beach down the road from me, but it really is the hub of my new universe.
Well, maybe I have had one of those moments. Our friends Maryann and Kim visited Manhattan a couple of weeks ago, from Michigan. They stayed at a nice hotel near Grand Central. For two days Craig and I commuted into the city to show them around. We did Times Square, and took them on a rainy Circle Line tour so they could see the Statue of Liberty. We restaurant-hopped in Hell’s Kitchen. We went down to the September 11 Memorial, and visited Wall Street and tramped around Little Italy and Chinatown. We let them pick a Broadway show to see, and got cheap seats for them. I taught Maryann how to tell where subway cars were likely to stop and open their doors by identifying concentrations of the mashed-down and blackened remains of spat-out chewing gum along the subway platforms. We had, in short, a fine and educational time.
But there was a moment. We were all sitting on the 6 train, meatballs from Little Italy digesting like rocks in our stomachs. There weren’t many people on our car, so we were all slumped in the benches, glad for the opportunity to sit down. At Bleecker Street, the doors slid open. A few people straggled on. One of them was one of those guys who gets on a subway car, makes a speech, tries to collect money, and moves on. Some of them have sob stories to spill and a tin can to shake in people’s faces. Many of them will sing and accept donations, or play an instrument for quick cash. This guy, however, was one of the ones who had something to sell—I don’t remember what, pencils, or newspapers, or buttons or something. I wasn’t really paying attention. All I knew is that his short oration ended with him proffering whatever it was he was hawking, holding out a cup for money, and asking, “So anybody wanna help out the homeless?”
From all around the rattling car there was dead silence. Except for two simultaneous, sweet, angelic women’s voices, both saying very politely and in flat, Midwestern tones, “No, thank you!”
Startled, I turned my head and looked at my friends, who were smiling at the man as if he merited their sweet (if automatic) civility. The rest of us had turned the guy into an invisible, inaudible cipher. They’d actually listened to him. And I thought to myself, man, am I really a different person now. Because three or four years ago, I might’ve been joining in that chirpy chorus of cherubic No thank yous!, too.
It’s not that New Yorkers are rude, or unkind. One of my favorite memories of last year was having a leisurely, fascinating three-hour conversation with a stranger in Central Park. I keep returning to a certain yarn store on the upper west side because not only was the proprietor incredibly friendly and helpful, but an elderly African-American woman from the neighborhood spent twenty minutes there telling me about her philosophy of knitting. I’ve found it infinitely easier to strike up random conversations with strangers here—in a city with a reputation of uptight and rude residents—than in the midwest.
If New Yorkers come across as walled-off and impersonal at first glance, it’s because they—we—live in a limited space in which everything is tightly compacted together. We stand hip to hip on the trains and pretend not to notice. At restaurants, we’re packed into seats like sardines in tins, wedged elbow to elbow. We don’t have privacy here, not in public venues. We don’t have personal space. What we maintain is the polite illusion that, even though there’s a hipster slurping coffee three inches on one side of us and a pair of Asian NYU students chattering loudly three inches on the other, we can have a frank discussion with a friend about hemorrhoids without us losing our dignity or our neighbors their lunch.
I suspect I fit an in-between kind of profile, when I’m out and about in the city. I seem enough like an insider to know my stuff, yet I must seem approachable and not entirely walled-off. In other words, I am the guy who is constantly asked directions by tourists. I am the man who, upon stepping off his train and into the great atrium of Grand Central, will be surrounded by a self-guided Russian tour group askink easiest vay to Ompire State Buildink. I’m the man who, at any subway stop, will be approached by two cute out-of-town chicks to consult which train they should transfer to get to Prospect Park. I’m that guy who will be stopped mid-stride at Seventh Avenue and 48th Street by a family of middle Americans who want to know if I can direct them to Times Square. (At least that one was easy. “Um, see all those video displays and that big crowd of people a block away?”)
I’m pretty sure that the part of me that says Lookit, a real New Yawker! to these people is my brisk pace and my total and remorseless willingness to march in front of tourists attempting to take photos of their honeybears from 25 feet away. (This is New York, people. We don’t have 25 feet to spare you, better Instagram moment or not.) It’s that quality that makes out-of-towners clear a path for me on a busy street, rather than making me step aside. I look like I know where I’m going. I look like I have a place to go. I usually do. Sometimes, though, I’m just looking for a public restroom.
And the approachability thing, I’m pretty sure, is just that I’m the sole semi-local walking down the street and crossing intersections who isn’t fixated on his phone, texting like a madperson.
I’ve given directions for all the major landmarks. Every skyscraper. The Cloisters. The Brooklyn Bridge. Major department stores. The other day, I’d pushed through a subway turnstile and turned to see Craig giving me a shrug clearly intended to convey, Oh, shoot, I don’t have as much money on my MetroCard as I thought, hang on while I add some. During the minute, tops, that I was at a standstill, I gave directions to one confused woman to the Metro North ticket booths in Grand Central, and to Columbus Circle for a post-cougar/pre-retirement home panther wearing an expensive designer dress and a pair of ratty Birkenstocks. So far, I’m happy to say, I’ve never been stumped.
Except once. I was walking somewhere on Fifth Avenue last month when a couple loomed up out of nowhere and asked me how to get to Staten Island. I thought about it. And I thought about it some more. At last I just peered at them, shook my head, and asked plaintively and with a pained expression, “Why?”
Come to think, that’s a moment in which I could’ve considered myself a real New Yorker.
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