MY FATHER: They opened up one of those stores out here.
ME: Oh, good. I was wondering when they were going to open one of those stores. [Massive pause.] Are you perhaps eventually going to tell me which one of those stores you’re talking about?
MY FATHER: The fancy one.
ME: Neiman Marcus?
MY FATHER: The fancy frozen foods one.
ME [mouthing the words]: The fancy frozen foods one?
MY FATHER: The one with all the fancy frozen foods.
ME [mystified]: The one with all the fancy frozen foods?
MY FATHER: It has frozen foods, and it’s fancy.
ME: Gordon’s?
MY FATHER: Nooooo. Gawrsh. The fancy frozen food store near your old house.
ME: Fancy frozen foods near my old house? I don’t . . . Omaha Steaks?
MY FATHER: No. . . .
ME: I don’t know. . . .
MY FATHER: Why don’t you call up Surry and ask?
ME: Surry? Surry, Virginia? Is that where the store is?
MY FATHER [staring at me as if I’m an idiot]: Why in the world would you call up Surry, Virginia?
ME: That’s what I want to know!
MY FATHER: It was only a few blocks from your old house, and we walked there. . . .
ME: Surry?
MY FATHER [patiently]: The fancy frozen foods store.
ME: Are you talking about Trader Joe’s?
MY FATHER: That’s what I’ve been saying the entire time.
ME: For one thing, Trader Joe’s is not fancy. It’s less expensive than most supermarkets.
MY FATHER: No, it’s fancy.
ME: And for another, it’s not a frozen foods store.
MY FATHER: Does it have frozen foods?
ME: It has an aisle of frozen foods. Out of several aisles of other non-frozen goods.
MY FATHER: I bet if you had called up Surry. . . .
ME: For the love of god, who is Surry? Who? What? Does it have a fringe on top?
MY FATHER: Surry, your personal assistant. Your phone is full of it.
ME [after a pause]: Are you talking about Siri?!
MY FATHER [sighing]: That’s what I’ve been saying. . . .
ME: . . . the entire time, yes. For one thing, you don’t call up Surry. Siri. You just ask it.
MY FATHER: Well, she would have known.
ME: Would have known what, the name of the fancy frozen food store? No.
MY FATHER: Surry knows everything.
ME: I could ask Siri what the weather would be today, or I could ask Siri to send a text message. I could ask Siri how many ounces are in a cup, or what time a certain movie is, or what seventy percent off of a hundred and thirty-five dollars is. What I cannot do is ask Siri what the name of the fancy frozen food store is.
MY FATHER [reaching for his wallet]: I will make you a dollar bet. . . .
ME: Oh, you are so on. How do you want me to word it? Tell me the name of the fancy frozen food place?
MY FATHER [with disdain]: Not like that. Call her up and say, Hi Siri, can you tell me the name of the fancy store that sells frozen foods?
ME: You don’t have to address Siri by name. But okay.
SIRI: Buh-beep!
ME: Can you tell me the name of the fancy store that sells—?
MY FATHER: In Detroit.
SIRI: Buh-boop.
ME: Are you done? [He nods.]
SIRI: Buh-beep!
ME: What’s the name of the fancy store in Detroit that sells—?
MY FATHER: That has an aisle of fancy frozen foods.
SIRI: Buh-boop.
ME: You can’t keep talking like that.
MY FATHER: Fine! Gawrsh, I didn’t know Surry was so touchy.
SIRI: Buh-beep!
ME [enunciating in a way that would make Henry Higgins proud]: I’d like to know the name of the fancy store in Detroit that has an aisle of fancy frozen foods.
SIRI: I’m sorry . . . Vance. I don’t know about Detroit that has an ocho of Frenchy frozen flus.
ME: HAH!
MY FATHER [handing over the dollar]: She didn’t know the answer?
ME: She failed miserably. Miserably.
MY FATHER [sadly]: Gawrsh. Surry, you let me down.
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