EXEMPLUM THE FIRST: The M&M Cookie
YOUR SCRIBE: Oh, by the way, I got some cookies from the supermarket bakery. Feel free to have some.
HIS FATHER: What kind of cookies are these?
YOUR SCRIBE: They’re M&M cookies.
HIS FATHER: Emmmin…emmmm?
YOUR SCRIBE: Look. I know you’ve heard of M&M candies before.
HIS FATHER [peering at the box]: Gawrsh. Why are these so fancy?
YOUR SCRIBE: Fancy, as opposed to….
HIS FATHER: Vanilla wafers. Or chocolate chip cookies.
YOUR SCRIBE: These are the exact same thing as chocolate chip cookies, except with M&Ms.
HIS FATHER: But the M&Ms are on top. They’re so fancy.
EXEMPLUM THE SECOND: The Gatorade
YOUR SCRIBE, RETURNING FROM YE OLDE WALGREENS: Okay, got your pills. Got several bottles of Gatorade. Hopefully it will help retain more water for your scans.
HIS FATHER, UPON PEERING AT THE BOUNTY: Why…are they different colors?
YOUR SCRIBE: Because I got different flavors.
HIS FATHER: Different…flavors? Of…Gatorade?
YOUR SCRIBE: I got original, fruit punch, and green apple, to see which one you liked.
HIS FATHER: Why would I want different flavors? The original is lemon-lime?
YOUR SCRIBE: Yes.
HIS FATHER: The others are just…
TOGETHER: Fancy.
YOUR SCRIBE: Christ.
EXEMPLUM THE THIRD: The Can Immortalized by the Artist Known as Warhol
YOUR SCRIBE: I also picked up some chicken soup, per your dem…request.
HIS FATHER: I think with the fancy Gatorade and some soup I should get some salt back in my system. Does it have noodles in it? I can’t eat chicken soup unless it has noodles, to give it some interest.
YOUR SCRIBE, WITH CONDESCENSION: Can you drink the damned Gatorade without noodles?
HIS FATHER, UPON EXAMINING THE CAN: Ha-ha, very funny. But what is this?
YOUR SCRIBE: It’s Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup.
HIS FATHER: But it’s fancy.
YOUR SCRIBE: It’s not fancy. It’s the most basic chicken noodle soup there is.
HIS FATHER: But it’s fancy.
YOUR SCRIBE: What the hell is so fancy about the soup?
HIS FATHER: [points to the can]
YOUR SCRIBE: It’s fancy because it has a photo of soup with noodles on it?
HIS FATHER: Real chicken noodle soup comes in a red and white can.
YOUR SCRIBE: It’s the same damned product. This is a red and white can. It just has a photo on it.
HIS FATHER, WITH SUSPICION: It looks fancy.
YOUR SCRIBE: I am done with this conversation.
EXEMPLUM THE FOURTH: The Undergarments
YOUR SCRIBE, UPON RETURNING FROM TARGET: Surprise! I got you some new undershirts so that you can throw out those old ratty ones.
HIS FATHER, DUBIOUSLY: Those are not undershirts.
YOUR SCRIBE: Yes, they are. I got the kind without tags, because I know they irritate your neck. But see, these are V-neck, so that you can still tell which is the back and which is the fr….
HIS FATHER: Why are those so…so….?
YOUR SCRIBE: Are you going to say they’re fancy? Why are you going to say they’re fancy?
HIS FATHER: Fancy.
YOUR SCRIBE: What in the world is so fancy about these goddamned t-shirts? They’re Fruit of the Loom. They come ten to a pack for ten bucks. These are not fancy. If you got any more basic than this, you’d be wearing sackcloth and ashes.
HIS FATHER, SNIFFING: They come in colors.
EXEMPLUM THE ULTIMATE: The Supermarket
YOUR SCRIBE, UPON RETURNING FROM MARKET BEARING THE BURDEN OF A DOZEN OXEN UPON HIS SOLITARY SHOULDERS: Christ, I am worn out. Help me move these bags inside.
HIS FATHER, LOOKING WITH SUSPICION UPON THE BAGS: Where did you go?
YOUR SCRIBE: To Publix.
HIS FATHER, HORRIFIED: To PUBLIX?
YOUR SCRIBE, SWEATING AND MOVING ALL THE BAGS BY HIMSELF: That’s what I said.
HIS FATHER: Why to Publix?
YOUR SCRIBE: For several reasons. Because I’ve never been to Publix. Because they have contactless pay and I can use your credit card from my phone.
HIS FATHER: But Publix is…!
YOUR SCRIBE: New to Richmond? Yes, I know.
HIS FATHER: Publix is…!
YOUR SCRIBE: Quite nice? Yes, I thought so too.
HIS FATHER: Publix is…!
YOUR SCRIBE: [waits for it]
HIS FATHER: …FANCY!
YOUR SCRIBE: Publix is not any more fancy than Kroger, trust me. What supermarket isn’t fancy, to you?
HIS FATHER: Food Lion.
YOUR SCRIBE: You’re right. Food Lion isn’t fancy. Food Lion has a labeled aisle dedicated to the entire line of Slim Jim products. Food Lion’s pasta aisle is 95% egg noodles, 4% enriched spaghetti, and one bag of penne. Food Lion is a hole.
HIS FATHER: Gawrsh. I can’t believe you went to Publix. It’s so fancy.
YOUR SCRIBE: What is so fancy about Publix? Tell me. Explain.
HIS FATHER: Well…the people.
YOUR SCRIBE: The people?
HIS FATHER: The people who work there.
YOUR SCRIBE: What? What’s so fancy about the people who work there?
HIS FATHER: They say hi to you.
YOUR SCRIBE: So what makes Publix so fancy is that the people who work there…greet you.
HIS FATHER: Yes!
YOUR SCRIBE: What makes Publix so fancy is that…the clerks recognize your basic human existence.
HIS FATHER: Yes!
YOUR SCRIBE: Whereas at Food Lion, the employees spit on you as you walk through the door. As God intended.
HIS FATHER, WITH DIGNITY: Now you’re just being silly.
No comments:
Post a Comment