MY FATHER: Now, the other problem with my iPad is that it won’t take photos sideways.
ME: You mean, landscape?
MY FATHER: No, it takes photos of landscapes perfectly well.
ME: Well, I set myself up for that one. No, I mean the aspect itself is called landscape—where it’s longer from side to side—versus portrait, where it’s longer up and down.
MY FATHER: Yes. That’s the problem. My iPad won’t do it.
ME: I think what you mean to say is that you don’t know how to do it. Your iPad can do it.
MY FATHER: No. . . .
ME: Yes.
MY FATHER: No, I’m doing it right. . . .
ME: You are aware I’ve seen you use your iPad.
MY FATHER: To take it up and down, I hold it like this . . . and then I click on this. . . .
ME: Yes, and now you have a blurry portrait photo of your cat’s ass.
MY FATHER: Then to take it sideways, I turn it like this, and I click on this. . . .
ME: And now you have a nice landscape photo of the same cat’s ass.
MY FATHER: No, I don’t. It’s not sideways.
ME: Click here and let’s look at. . . . No, not there. Click here to go back. NO, not there. Here. NO, NOT THERE.
MY FATHER [mildly]: I’m just following your directions.
ME: Try keeping your other fingers away from the screen. Just use—Christ.
MY FATHER: My iPad has a weird tendency just to shut off.
ME: Yeah, it’s really weird how that happens when you push the button on top. Here. Give it to me. Good lord.
MY FATHER: You seem slightly tense, for some reason.
ME: Here are the photos you took. See? The first one is portrait. The second one is landscape. See? Sideways. Longer across than up and down.
MY FATHER [peering for a very long time at the screen and swiping back and forth]: Well, it certainly never did that before.
ME: It probably did. You just didn’t. . . .
MY FATHER [pointing]: What’s this?
ME: That’s the edit option. It will let you fool around with things like the brightness and contrast. . . .
MY FATHER: What’s this?
ME: That’s the trash icon.
MY FATHER: What’s this?
ME: You click that icon to send the photo to other people.
MY FATHER: What’s this?
ME: The heart icon just toggles on and off so that you can indicate your favorite photos. They’ll appear in a special ‘favorites’ album. Like, if you have a lot of photos. Let me show you on mine.
MY FATHER: I have three photos. I think I can tell which one is my favorite.
ME: No, you can have more than one favorite. It just means the ones you heart are the cream of the crop. I mean, on my iPad I have . . . fifteen thousand, three hundred and forty-five photos, but I’ve only favorited six hundred and sixty-two of them, which makes it easier to. . . .
MY FATHER: Fifteen thousand, three hundred, and forty-five photos?
ME: But I only have six hundred and sixty-two favorites, which makes. . . .
MY FATHER: Fifteen thousand photos?
ME: Right, so if I favorite the ones I really like. . . .
MY FATHER: Fifteen thousand photos?
ME: What? I mean, that’s from the last ten years, and it’s not really all the photos I’ve. . . .
MY FATHER: My god. Why do you need fifteen thousand photos?
ME: I like taking photos! What?!
MY FATHER: What do you do with them?
ME: I mean, I look at them, I print them. Most of our apartment is decorated with my prints.
MY FATHER: Are you emailing them to people? Are you sexting people?
ME: What do you mean, am I sexting people?
MY FATHER: You know. Sexting people. On your phone.
ME: How many photos of my junk do you think I have?
MY FATHER: Fifteen thousand? Gawrsh.
ME: I don’t have fifteen thousand photos of—! Wait, I think sexting is not the word you think it is. What is sexting, to you?
MY FATHER: When you get on your fancy iPhone and send someone a message with a photo.
ME: That’s texting.
MY FATHER: That’s what I said.
ME: You said sexting. Sexting has a shade of meaning that is very different. . . .
MY FATHER: What’s sexting?
ME: That’s when you take sexy photos of your private parts and sent them in a text message to someone. Sexy texting. Sexting. You know. Like Anthony Weiner. That’s probably where you picked up the word, on NPR.
MY FATHER: Who?
ME: Anthony Weiner. The representative who resigned because he’d sexted with several women.
MY FATHER [after a long pause]: How many photos of your private parts do you have on your iPad?
ME: It’s not fifteen thousand.
MY FATHER [curious]: Exactly how do you fit an iPad down your pants?
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