Oh beware!

Hey kids! Guess what? Well, I was watching the news—I know, you’re thinking, “Hey, Vance, what’s up with watching the news? Isn’t it all like, talk about Barack (yawn!) Obama and high prices and stuff?” And you are totally, one hundred percent right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe it was because I was flipping around and trying to get to some other station, one that had like, house flipping techniques or dancing celebrities, and I kind of phased out for a minute. You know how that happens.

Anyway! It’s a good thing that it did happen, because if it hadn’t, I would totally have missed out on some information. I mean, really important, life-changing stuff! Okay, okay, don’t get upset. I’m going to tell you.

Apparently . . . and it was on the local news, so it has to be true . . . you know how you go outside and you put on your shoes? Yes, I know it’s summer and you don’t put on your shoes in the summer because only Yankees do that, but pretend. Well! On the news, they had a guy just do that, with the shoes and all, and then he came back in the studio, and they. . . .

No, don’t get ahead of me here. They didn’t cook an egg on the soles of his shoes. Though that would’ve been cool, right? No! They took a swab and rubbed it all over the shoes and then took it to like, a fancy scientist in a white lab coat and everything who did one of those scientifical investigations and guess what he found?

Germs. Oh my god. I almost puked. Germs! On the shoes! Apparently the sidewalks and dirt aren’t as squeaky clean as we all thought! In fact, they’re seething with things like dog poo and grunge and tiny insectizoids and bacteria, and they somehow get on your shoes! YOUR SHOES!

Well, thank god for the local news, because you know those yummy little appetizers Rachel Ray makes on her shows? I would never have thought about how it’s not safe to serve them to your guests from the bottoms of your Converse. And I’ve been doing all that yoga, too. Now I know just to like, take them off at the door. Like the Japanese do! (I mean the shoes. Not the appetizers.)

Thank god for the local news! Because if I hadn’t seen that life-changing segment, well, gosh. I might have just gone on thinking the local news programs are put together by total dipsticks, like I usually do.